The Call-centre customers charter
We, the callers, aim to:
1. Ask the most ridiculous questions we can think of, not ask for the information we actually want but drop hints in the manner of a politician avoiding a sex scandal.
2. Give only part of the information the advisor needs to resolve our query. We know advisors just love using those finely honed questioning skills.
3. We will omit post-codes, dates and specifics wherever possible.
4. Complain that it has taken five minutes to get through, then proceed to talk about the weather, the Mars landing or the colour of our grandchilds poo.
5. Deliberately misunderstand the first three explanations you give us for even the simplest query; we know advisors like a challenge.
6. Call on behalf of our mother / niece / aunt / mother is laws dog etc and become annoyed when the advisor will not give us any information due to that useless bit of legislation the Data Protection Act.
7. Treat the advisor like an imbecile, we after all are superior because we can handle difficult equations like two plus two.
8. Interrupt the advisor in the middle of their explanations and tell them what the girl at the bank told us, even though its blatantly incorrect.
9. Make the advisor guess what we want; we know theyre all telepathic really.
End the call by going through absolutely everything again just to make sure that the advisor wasnt lying the first time around.
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.
“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologies for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now….’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…'”.
“We are now traveling through Baker Street, and as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels are not provided”.
“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause…) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”
“Please a allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door”
“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause.) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways”
“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage”.
Will
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