Accessand pasties and fuel, oh my! in OD

They say a week is a long time in politics, and we’ve had an… interesting week politically over here these past seven days. Where do we start? How about at the begining, with…

Cash for Access: this came about when Peter Cruddas, the then Tory party treasurer, was caught, on tape, offering access to David Cameron for a donation of £250,000. I say then treasurer because he left the job just after this came out.

This, understandably, raised a lot of questions. What was discussed at these dinner parties? Were donators given the chance to influence policy? Who were they?

All sorts of stories started flying round about what went on. Conservative bloggers started mumbling about trade union support of Labour. Then it was announced that it would be made public who had dinner with the PM.

Which led to more questions. How do you define dinner? Why only people who dined at 10 Downing Street and not those invited to Chequers? The Tory party must have been praying for something to distract folk. Who know that would end up being…

The pasty tax: now, this all comes from the budget, where it was announced that they would be enforcing (not implementing, cos it already was law) the VAT on hot food. George Osbourne was speaking at a commons comittee about the budget where he was asked when the last time he’d eaten at Greggs that bakers last. Cos there’s not, y’know, important stuff to ask about. He admitted it had been a while.

It’s the other thing he said that’s important. That was thet the VAT would only be on hot food. If you buy something cold, it would be VAT free. This lead to outrage at the thought of sausage rolls, and the aforementioned pasties, being cheaper for some people than others. Then you’ve got places where you can buy something cold then heat it up. Would that be a tax dodge?

David Cameron then chipped in by claiming the last time he’d had a pasty was at Leeds train station, not that long ago. It then turned out that the place where he said he’d bought said foodstuff closed in 2007, leading a spokesman to admit it may not even have been in Leeds.

Labour, always keen to <strike>make complete arses of themselves</strike> capitalise on an oppertunity, had their leader Ed Milliband, shadow chancellor Ed Balls and another Labour MP make a stop at a Greggs while visiting somewhere and, just by pure coincidence, there happened to be a news crew. Seriously, watch this. It’s one of the most cringworthy things I’ve seen in a long while:

So, the Tories were out of one hole and into another. What’s needed is a perfect demonstration how to manage a crisis. And by manage, I mean mis-manage as we then get…

Panic at the pumps: which all started when Unite, the largest trade union in Britain, announced that tanker drivers would be striking over Easter, upset about pay and conditions.

Enter Francis Maude. Now, the sensible thing to do would be to say that talks are ongoing, the planned strike is over a week away and that would be it. Instead, Maude decided to say Don’t Panic.

This advice may be good on the cover of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in large, friendly lettering but when it comes from a Government minister, it tends to have to opposite effect. Particularly when followed by a comment that it might be an idea to store fuel in jerry cans in your garage.

The Fire Brigade Union said that mass storing highly flammable liquid may not be the most sensible thing to do. But, accoding to some Conservative bloggers, ignore their safety advice. After all, they are a union. Oh, and storing fuel in jerry cans is actually illegal.

Meanwhile, people start queueing for fuel leading to fights, shortages and rationing. Then, drivers were told to keep topping up the fuel in their car. There was even a meeting of COBRA held!

(Which sounds impressive, but COBRA actually stands for Cabinet Operations Meeting Room A.)

In the end, the drivers agreed not to strick over Easter, but there is now a very real petrol shortage. All in all, a job well done!

And finally: a local councellor in Whitby has announced that his real mother is a 9 foot tall green alien Apparently, the subject didn’t come up on the doorstep when running. I wonder why?

Will