I am currently on page 54 of the book ‘Living Fearless’ by Jamie Winship. This book was given to me from my daughter’s coworker, through my daughter. She’s also reading her own copy.
Just getting the motivation to read this book has taken me multiple weeks and multiple attempts, but today I am determined to finish chapter 2.
My body keeps saying it’s thirsty or hungry. SHUT UP, IN THE NAME OF JESUS! Then I kept getting heavy-lidded and fell asleep 7 times within the first ten pages, but I’m 24 pages into this chapter now and sobbing my eyes out.
But when I got to the prayer, my mind sobered. This is the tail end of a 3-page-long prayer led by the author, to silence the negative voices that disrupt my life, to open my mind, and to start becoming aware of the ideas, thoughts, and impressions that God has attached to my identity, so that I can know my purpose.
I read the whole three page prayer aloud. At the end, before I could even finish asking the question, God was already speaking very clearly and very firmly.
Lord, fill me with the fullness of your Spirit. Silence my own voice so that my mind is tied up with your mind, my spirit bound to your Spirit, and Lord, let me begin hearing from you in a deep new way like I have never heard before or maybe even for the first time. Lord, I have a question I want to ask you: what is the most important thing you want to say to me right now? In the name of Jesus, amen.
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
That’s what I heard. The voice came rushing quick, like a stream that was made of molten metal. And I just fell apart, sobbing.
I think…before I can do anything, I need to embrace the truth that God loves me, because I haven’t.
I didn’t realize that.
I’m constantly thanking Him in prayer for loving me, saving me, protecting me, providing for me, and forgiving me for my sins. But although I’m acknowledging what I know to be true, I’m not fully believing He loves me because I keep thinking I’m not worthy of His love.
And I think it’s because I have placed my life’s horrid memories as idols. The pain and shame of being betrayed, abused, neglected and abandoned by people has clouded my judgment on who I am in this life. Mistreatments received should say little about me and more about them, but I have come to believe their actions were deserved.
And somehow I ended up in a marriage with a man who loves me despite every cruel word I have ever spoken, despite my negligence while he’s been in prison, and despite my obvious lack of love and affection toward him.
I believe God placed Chris in my life to teach me the depth of His love and to teach me how to love others, but I have been too hurt and blind and obstinate to see it. It is imperative I learn this lesson so that my life is not wasted.
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
Why is this so hard to believe?!
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
Why do I keep fighting against it?
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
But that applies to everyone else, not me, right?
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
According to God, that includes me. And I feel like…He wants me to sit in this for a while, to absorb it and ruminate on it and allow it to fully permeate every space in my heart, my mind, my strength and my soul…
“YOU ARE LOVED.”
…so that, once His love fully saturates my being, I can begin to love Him and others, as He has called me to do. And that’s when His purpose for me will be revealed, because without love, I am nothing.
[ 1 Corinthians 13:2 ]
Loading comments...