A few years ago when the missus and I had an RV, hold on a second, let’s start with…
I hate camping. Why, I think, leave a perfectly good house with running water, a furnace and air conditioner, soft furniture and a gourmet kitchen, why leave all that to sit on aluminum camp chairs, haul water, hike to the bathroom in the middle of the night and sleep on the cold cold ground.
This is not a rhetorical question.
The reason we do that is the same reason we travel, so that we can appreciate the comforts of home. We like struggle. We like to test ourselves, to check in, to reaffirm that we are on the right track.
A few years ago when the missus and I had an RV, I remember thinking that camping does not bring us all together, we are not suffering the elements and discomforts together, some are camping in tents and others have $100,000 motorhomes with satellite TV and convection ovens, we are not suffering together, we all are not even suffering, we just happen all to be in the same place.
We all live our own lives in our own heads. We are actors in our own plays. What I discovered when I was in my 20s is that we all see the world differently. That was an obvious revelation, once it was revealed, and made me look at myself, others and my interactions with others completely differently.
On Sunday, I went hiking with three friends and my wife. These three friends I met individually over the last three years, two years and one year — so they do not know each other. I prefer spending time one on one with friends but the hike up to the peak is a little challenging so the dynamic is talking to the persons directly ahead of you and the person directly behind you. Most of the hike up is single file. The hike down is wide and allows for side by side conversation. So, thinking about this now, it was a really good social experiment. The hike takes about three to four hours, so everyone talks to everyone else one on one as things just naturally evolve.
I’m fearing that this is a long story. So long story short. I agree with your idea of people overlapping like Venn Diagrams. And in this case with 5 people. All three of my friends are more outwardly outgoing than me. Here’s the breakdown.
Mark relates everything back to himself. He talks mostly without listening. He is definitely the centre of his own world.
Joe who is newly retired, talks almost as much as Mark, but he is trying to figure things out.
Cole is actually really interested in other people. He asks a lot of questions in some ways to confirm that he is on the right track. He is an ask, listen and then tell communicator.
The missus was kind of along for the ride. She was an honorary member of our pick-up hiking club. She always watches things unfold and participates reservedly.
I didn’t purposely stay quiet and listen in on the conversations going on around me. That is just what I do when I get into groups. Remember the game Battling Tops?
When I think about it, I was both the centre of this group and the one who had a 10,000 foot view of myself and the others as we hiked up and down the mountain.
Detachment is a better descriptor than ‘not having empathy.’
My experience with transactional analysis (TA).
Briefly, TA separates interactions with others into three states. The child, the parent and the adult. These are the only three roles we play. It’s been 20 years since I delved into this as I internalized it then and haven’t really thought about it much outside of working with customers, managing managers, and knowingly being detached from child state when I interact with others.
Note to self. Revisit Transactional Analysis.
Most people live most of their lives in the child state. Consumerism. Getting emotional about politics. Wanting acceptance from others. They enter the parent state to give their child state permission to do what they want to do. The parent will make justifications for the child. The parent state will criticize the child in others.
I completely agree with the idea that all the world is a stage. I’ve been watching myself from the wings forever. Fly on wall. The second line in Shakespeare paraphrased is “we are mere actors.”
But I went and read the rest of it just now and was surprised by where it goes. I have long thought that we live our lives in several distinct stages much like this passage of Shakespeare. Essentially you can break down your life into 7 year periods.
0-7 Baby child
8-14 Hello world
15-21 I got this figured out…
About responsibility.
I’m living in a Buddhist/Taoist country. Much of what you say about Christians is especially true for Taoists. Buddhists at least see the transitory nature of life on earth and seem to see the Venn diagram and the rolls we play.
Empathy vs detachment. Clearly detachment is something we enjoy. When I was in high school, my first favourite author was Kurt Vonnegut. I’ve never really thought of my favourite authors in terms of detachment before but I can see it now as a common element of protagonists I identify with. Have you ever read Haruki Murakami?
Regarding humour, I’m sure there are a number of quotes about looking at life as either a grand tragedy or a great comedy and to choose comedy because it is much more fun. I like to look at life through a comic lens. I am fascinated how seriously people will take things like politics and religion and even perceived slights by perfect strangers. Lighten up. Laugh it off. It does not matter on bit.
Knowing that nothing matters takes the pressure off.
As for me being a narcissist, I pushed back hard on that penpal’s letter, not defending myself or even explaining myself but talking about things we talk about. Her letter is on the way back now, so maybe I will be lucky and have another meaningful thoughtful exploration going back and forth.
Regarding change. It is funny how most people resist change and fear change and don’t seem to realize that both the world and themselves are in constant states of change. I love change. I embrace change. I embraced the internet early and blogged my way to success as a real estate agent. I also started a community portal which made me small town famous. I rode that wave for about 7 years (until the internet moved on and then social media killed me.)
I’ve been married for 34 years. My wife and I are a Venn diagram. We overlap. We are not soul mates. Yuck.
Bob
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