I met the ground, finally. This was a free fall; I was just trying to make a life out of it.
The smell of ground is so inviting, so captivating, so neutralizing and so relaxing.
My battered body doesn’t wish to get up, my twisted mind whispers to me “don’t get up, this is where you belong” and I’m choosing to channel last of my energy I can muster to my ears to listen to it as I always did in my entire life, still ignoring what my build to last, strongly pounding heart trying to say.
In fact it is the only thing that pushes me away from the ground, which is a motion I resent. My mind is right, I belong here. I need to lie down… Not to rest, but to die. Dead as dead can be. I need these fleeing moments to be my last. I can’t go on. I don’t want to. I don’t need to. I need to die. But this notion reminds me, I don’t even have a say in ending my life. I tried to suicide in the past several times. They used defibrillators to bring me back, rinsed my stomach, and gave oxygen shocks and what not… They don’t want me to die, they always intervene… Like the fuck… Like if they any say in this. I’m sure someone is going to intervene again anyway. I can’t even die in peace.
Thoughts race in my mind. How did it all come to this? How did I fucked up so badly? JUST HOW THE FUCK!!! I CAN’T EVEN SCREAM THE WAY I WANT!!! It wouldn’t be nice, neighbors might wake up. It would be inconvenient for them to wake up at 05:29. I can’t scream now, as drunk as I am I have no right to make people feel uncomfortable for my own, slight relief.
How did it come to this? Why do I want to break this body after years of training to maintain, discipline and almost perfect it? Why don’t I want to go on anymore?
I lost everything.
I was an English teacher. I liked every second of my classes, I was in love with my job. School was being forced to pay over time charge for my additional classes and they didn’t liked it. So they tried to take three of my classes from me and assign them to someone else. My students adores me, I don’t bother them or force them to learn, we play video games in classes, we have excellent communication and I’m a really funny guy, I was not a teacher for them, not an authority, I was one of THEM, a student who knew more than them and who was more than willing to share, so they revolted, threatened to quit the school, they were forced to give my classes back to me, it was glorious and we had a welcome back party after that day. Then I recently wanted to use my yearly leave at a troubling time, surprisingly there wasn’t much debate, they mysteriously jut gave me what I wanted this time. Then I got these terrible acne on my buttocks, three of them. I can’t sit, I can’t get up, I can hardly sleep because of them and with only sleeping pills. This morning I went to doctor, who gave me pain relief medicine and two days off. I went to school to present the prescription and report of the MD, only to find out they were waiting for it. I use drugs; I call in sick at least once a month to relieve my hangover… I found out they gave me that yearly leave on purpose, precisely seven days long, because somewhere in my contract there was a line saying “contract can be revoked by employer if there will be absence from working place longer than seven days (continuously or combined) in a month, for any reason.” As soon as I limped in from the main door and presented the prescription, receptionist called the manager, two minutes after she hang up the phone, manager called me to inform me that my contract was terminated, no penalties no nothing. I needed to move my apartment, I was planning to have a Christmas trip, I wanted to have tattoos and all of these depended on this job I loved… I was devastated. One of my students saw me on the side walk right next to school, a single drop of tear running, a female student who had a crush on me, my eyes were red, she sit right next to me, I gathered all of my willpower not to just hug her and cry out loud, not for losing my job but for losing one of my biggest passions, she was about to ask for what happened, I moved my right hand’s index finger over her lips, we looked at each other’s eyes for 5 minutes my finger o her lips, I felt several, very slight pecks on my fingertip. She tried to hid them between her breath, but her blush gave them away, her eyes were saying “hug me, don’t hold it in, hug me and cry, I’m here for you”, I was so positive of that my eyes flooded, I didn’t blinked just to hold the tears from flowing out, she saw that, after last fleeing kiss on my fingertip I moved my finger away from her lips and continued to stare for one or two minutes longer, she was onto me, she didn’t knew why, didn’t care for the reason too, but she was torn from just sensing how devastated I was. I never cried when in public, not even my grandparent’s funerals whom I loved immensely. She saw what I needed, hugged me and started to cry to encourage me to do the same … I didn’t hug back, my arms were resting on the sides of my body, I stood there for a minute. But it was too much and it was finally happening, flood gates were open, I was crying, in the middle of the street, hugging her, squeezing her shoulders, feeling the scent of her perfume and shampoo, I was crying like I never did in my life… I felt… relieved.
As soon as I came back to myself, I checked my watch. I’ve been crying for 23 minutes. I shook it off, removed her arms around my neck, immediately smiled to me and offered a napkin which I rejected. I went to nearest store and bought a bottle of water, washed my face, I was myself again. I looked at the school entrance one last time for a second, then moved my gaze to her… She was still smiling, she asked me how I was feeling, I said “I’m better, I’m going home. Thanks… for everything… farewell.” I never said farewell at the end of my classes, she knew she was not going to see me again. As I turned my back to her she yanked on my t-shirt with all the power she had, neck line cut my throat, I was already angry after the events, I hurt really bad, I turned to face her and moved one step closer with my piercing gaze locked into her eyes, “I’M FIRED!” I shouted, I immediately felt bad, turned away from her and tried to take a step just to fell the cut on my throat even harder this time, I held and crushed her hand to remove it from my shirt, she didn’t reacted, her hands were at most as half as big as mine, she was no were near as powerful as me, her eyes were flooded from pain, without crying, but she didn’t reacted at all. She held my hand, took her other hand onto mine as well and just tried to smile through the pain and said “you shouldn’t be alone right now” with a distorted voice. As I heard her voice I realized the pain I’m causing, I eased my grip on her hand, tried to remove my hand between hers but she didn’t let it happen and continued hold it as firmly as she can. I said no, you cannot come with me, she insisted, I caved in for some reason I can’t recall at the moment. “I’m going home and I don’t want you to come with me” I insisted with a very calm, almost weak voice again, she raised her tone and said “I’m not asking to come with you, I’m COMING with you”. “It isn’t very far” I replied, and started to limped back to home; she never released my hand until I was at the door of my apartment. I had to say “Can I have my hand back? I need to open this door” for her to release it, she blushed, “S-So sorry, I wasn’t aware”.
In my apartment she made me coffee, we sit face to face on my dining table, I told her everything, she was shocked and angry, started to cry while I was trying to light my cigarette. I told her not to cry, and tell all of my students to not to leave the school, that this was inevitable, that I was an unstable man, I made her promise to carry my message as exactly as it was, she continued to cry for a little while longer. “I hate cry babies” I said with a cold tone, she wiped of the tears from her cheeks and shouted “I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE YOU ARE FIRED! I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE YOU AGAIN! WHY DO YOU THIK I CAME HERE! TO SAVOR THE LAST MOMENTS I WILL SEE YOU! AND YOU SAY YOU DON’T LIKE CRY BABIES!!! THIS IS WHAT I AM! PEOPLE CRY WHEN THEY ARE SEPARATED FROM THEIR LOVED ONES!!!” She made sure to underline the “love” with her tone… I felt the need to hug her, just to try to comfort her, she moved her hands to the sides of my face to kiss me. I tilted my head away, she tilted it back and kissed me. I did not resist but I did not responded to the kiss either. After she realized that, her lips and whole face red from the blood rush, she removed her lips from mine… She was upset, looked at my eyes and said “you were telling the truth, you don’t have any feelings for me”, I was upset too, for making her unhappy and only said “Yes”, I was unable to look at her eyes, I knew that feeling far too well to be able to sustain any eye contact, loving but not being loved was one of my burdens for my entire life. As I was buried under my guilt and flashbacks of me being in the shoes of her appearing, her hand stopped my train of thought to support my chin to maintain eye contact, kissed me again, it wasn’t a make out attempt this time, it was much more subtle, fleeing kiss and said “I LOVE you anyway” again, underlining the love…
One of my friends came into the living room from the guestroom saw her hand still supporting my chin, coughed and said “sorry I didn’t wanted to interrupt anything, there was some shouting so I woke up and I was just leaving, please continue” with fury in her eyes…
At the moment he tried to reach the door handle I shouted “STAY”, “she will be leaving shortly and we need to talk”. “Sorry I thought you will be alone, I guess I will be leaving then.” Took her trench coat from the kitchen and dashed out, looking at my eyes for one last time, she looked like as if she was saying “I’ll be back”.
My friend and I were alone at the living room, before we can even start to talk; my other “lifelong” friend came to the room. Hah, “lifelong”… How naïve of me, I was about to learn that.
The first guy who entered the room tried to hit me again as soon as he saw the other guy, I was able to dodge again just as the last night. He was still recovering from his hangover, he was far weaker compared to normal. He fell down because of the momentum of his fist, knowing that he will try to get up and continue this bullshit I took his neck between my biceps and triceps in a chokehold, shouted right next to his ear on the top of my lungs “I – DIDN’T – DO – IT!!!!!” Unable to breathe, he whispered “li-ar”… My other friend grabbed me exactly the same way and calmly said “let him go”. I did exactly that, we got up, guy under me was crying, “Why did you do it man? Why? I loved her, I loved you, now I hate both of YOU!” started to shout again and advanced on me but other guy was between us now and he was far too weak to pass him, he hold him tightly around his chest, “dude you were hallucinating, let it go already, do you see her anywhere here?” he replied shouting “of course SHE ISN’T HERE! WHAT DID YOU THOUGHT! THIS GUY BEATED ME AFTER FUCKING HER LAST NIGHT!!! AND YOU SAW IT!” at this point other guy made him sit onto couch but was still holding onto his t-shirts neck, turned his angry looks on me and said “Yes, this son of a bitch did beat you, which we will talk about later when you come to your senses but your girlfriend was not here last night!”, “I was defending myself!” I protested. “Still you didn’t had to hit him! REPEADETLY!” he replied. “YOU ARE LIARS BOTH OF YOU!”…
“I had enough of this charade” I said to myself…
“GET OUT!” I roared. “BOTH OF YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING BACK WITHOUT APOLOGISING PROPERLY!”
“Throwing us out huh? You know what, maybe he was right, maybe you did fucked her girl frien-” “SHUT UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!” I growled, took his arm and made him get up from my couch. They never said a word. They just dashed out, with my pajamas on them, I threw their belongings in the house out of the apartments window including one of their phones and the other ones wrist watch…
It was finally quiet now… I started to cry again. Finally with myself, I started to cry again. I punched walls and kicked my packed up stuff around the apartment. The only thing I can feel was the fury. I knew what just happened… I lost two friends, two people who I would do anything to keep around me in any other day. Great people who had enough credit to be forgiven even stupidest things like this. I lost my brothers. Tears continued to fall from my eyes for hours…
I didn’t had much to lose anyway, but because I had so little, the loss feels great and this was a landslide for me to bear. I was able to make only four friends in my 24 years of misery. Not guys like your friends… real FRIENDS, they would have given me their lives if mine to near an end. I lost half of my friends in thirty minutes. I rioted with those guys, went to best gigs of my life with them, felt the cold with them under the same roof for two years, they cheered me up, I cheered them up when they were down, once one got shot by police with a tear gas canister in the head and fainted, I carried him on my shoulders to our near home. Took him to hospital the same way, on my shoulders, not because we were broke and couldn’t afford the taxi, he belonged there. He would have done exactly the same; both would have done the same. I was always the provider, hell I even shared a bitch with them, we had a glorious gangbang, me them and a pothead slut… We did so much together. We did everything together. And they still left, they should have stayed knowing I was upset, they knew as soon as they entered that room that something was wrong with me. They knew I would never do something like that. But they still left, because one of them hallucinated me having sex with his girlfriend in a room ONLY 3 of us were in while on drugs, tried to beat me, he couldn’t do it and I ended up beating him for him to wake up. But even after the trip ended he firmly believed what he saw was real, other guy was upset with me for punching him, I said “I defended myself”, it wasn’t enough of a justification for him. They are both out of my life now. Don’t know if they will come to their senses, but I tried very hard to convince them to stay after I was able to stop crying, I apologized time and time again instead of them, even though I knew I did nothing wrong until I told them to leave. We were in the sixth year of our friendship, our brotherhood and if I knew them at least a little they won’t be coming back.
On that night, I went to only person I knew who was capable of cheer me up even when I’m in the deepest hole possible, to my family’s apartment. Mom opened the door as happily as ever to see me, I visit her far less frequently then I should, maybe just once in every three months… She hugged me, I immediately felt better, ever so slightly better. We went to her bedroom, she locked the door, I sat on the edge of the bed, she tucked herself into the bed with her PC on her lap, playing Bomber Man on an emulator which I thought her how to use, but started to give her attention to me as she saw how bad of a situation I was in. She folded her laptop as words ringed in her ears, started to stroke my back, she was trying to comfort me… but I was in too bad of a shape to even accept a gesture of kindness from the person I loved the most. I asked her to stop before continuing, she obliged, I finished before too long, looking at my feet, unable to carry the weight on my shoulders.
…
…
…
She looked at me, just looked for a very long time without ever opening her mouth once. I was unable to look back into her eyes. “Say something” I muttered “What do I do now?”
…
…
…
She hold onto her silence for a little while longer, this was something I never observed before, she always had some kind of advice and generally great ones at that, in almost every situation. “This is sensitive” she said and added “are you sure you didn’t do it?” Knowing I use drugs, this question was expected, I swore to her that there was only three of us in the room and one other was also siding with me on this topic, then she spat it out “well I DID cheated on your father, internet says its genetic so you might have done it too, sorry for being have to ask”…
I reached to my neck; t-shirt suddenly felt too tight…
I was unable to breathe…
This was too much. I fainted…
…
She woke me up, said I was out for one or two minutes at max, then she told me her story. She broke up with my scumbag father for four months in this year; even filed a divorce of which she cancelled shortly after… but she told us she was staying with her big brother. I didn’t comment “thanks for listening” were my only words before leaving with a trembling body.
…
I found out that my mom, my believable god; my everything cheated on my son of a bitch father. Serves him right huh? Well I don’t know. I know no one deserves that when it is as easy as saying “I don’t want to be with you anymore and want to pursue another relationship” to prevent going behind him. I know my father is an over qualified asshole, but when it comes to it, he is civilized and won’t resort to violence even after hearing something like this. This isn’t right. She was the one who thought me right and wrong, she was the one who made me go on in this bullshit I called a life.
I used the elevator to leave the building, as soon as I was in it I felt extremely claustrophobic and I was unable to breathe again… My holy grail of rightfulness was tainted now… I throw myself back out of the elevator and tried to go to the stairs using handlebars as support, my knees were trembling so much I tripped over my own right ankle and fell from the stairs on my first step. I got up holding a door handle, had no major injuries, just to fall on my knees again. One tear drop fell onto my leg. I got up on that leg with no support this time. I was calm, composed. I runned down the stairs to breathe fresh air as soon as possible without any incidents.
…
I’m on the road now, walking silently and only wishing to die this way; silently. I stumbled to something, maybe it was nothing, I don’t know now, I fell onto my knees… I stood there, next to a garbage container with some stench I was never able to tolerate before but breathed it into my lungs endlessly now.
…
I didn’t get up I couldn’t get up I would have done anything but getting up there. Finally I stopped my resistance against the gravity. I let my face hit the ground with its own weight. I was able to smell the ground now… It was so inviting, so captivating, so neutralizing and so relaxing. My train of thoughts was interrupted by the vibration in my pocket. I didn’t reached out for my phone, just waited there for it to shut up and leave me alone. It did shut up, just to start again, again and again. I stopped counting missed calls after the sixth time. Pink Floyd was in the background, Wish you were here… Didn’t know “who” exactly, I just wanted someone to be there for me. Only one person came to my mind, “she would have understood the loneliness” I said out loud while lying there. Funny. I didn’t even met her in real life, but I wanted her to be with me at that moment of neediness, loneliness, desperation… I didn’t even consider her in to be that little group of 4 people. She was the fifth in the making in my optimistic eyes. Yeah, in the making, she is someone new, real new, compared to the others. I met her online, on some dating site we are chatting for a while now. She claims to not care about anything just as me, but she does care about so many things that are totally out of her control, just as I do. Mainly she cares about injustice, as long as she is the one who is the one who is not receiving any justice, then there are video games, she cares if she wins or loses. I believe her interest mechanism works just like my own; there is a switch, a single switch, which either dials “utterly obsessed” or “uninterested”. She is obsessed with a RTS game of which I lost my interest long ago, two or three days earlier I caved into her requests about playing it with her online, just to intentionally suck at it, so she wouldn’t bring it up anymore. She didn’t communicate with me that much either after that day too, but I firmly believe that her interest in me lies further than a game or online day-to-day nonsensical chat. She is a true sapiosexual, the only female specimen of the term I saw so far. She is drawn to my intelligence, my point of view towards the daily events of life, my carelessness, and indifference against the world around me, not to my physical appearance. I can sense it, even through a Skype window, this is just one other thing we have in common. We have so much in common, yet so many differences, which makes this thing even more interesting… I wanted her at my side at that moment. I wanted her to lie with me inanimately on the ground.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was my mom, I didn’t see her face, even hear any footsteps for that matter, but I recognized the way she touched me. “Don’t touch me” I said with the little air I was able to breathe still “leave me here and never come back” I whispered.
She was doing it again, she was crying, she knew I wouldn’t be able to resist her command if she cried, but I did. She was the only one there for me as always, but I didn’t wanted her to be there anymore, I only wanted to lie there by my own, she wasn’t even dressed appropriately for the weather, she only had that tank top and shorts on her in that freezing weather. She didn’t care. She was there, just because I was there, but I just didn’t want her there anymore. She was dead, a corpse was trying to convince me to not to lie there, tried to hold my shoulder and get me up, I responded with grabbing the sidewalk’s stones instead of her body, just lying there.
She left after some time and some consolidation; she finally understood that I just didn’t had neither the power nor will to get up, she left me there and walked away, I said thank you with a tone of which I was sure that she was unable to hear. I just lied there, after some time I tried to call the rest of my friends to help me, listen to me, understand me, comfort me, those one man and one woman, neither of which answered my calls.
Which brings my story to present, I’m still trying to reach my last two friends and their phones are still off. I want at least one person to witness my death; I want at least one person to cry for me while I depart… Is this too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for a guy who always tried to do the right thing for everyone but himself, who always gave and expected nothing but honesty in return?
I’m alone in my apartment now, the place is a mess, there are broken pictures, posters and there are broken memories everywhere, packed up stuff everywhere… This time no one can stop me from ending my life but me. I tried to contact her a few hours ago, she didn’t respond yet. I’m trying this new genius way to suicide. I wanted her to witness my demise. I’ll try to raise the alcohol level in my blood until my body can’t take it anymore, but she doesn’t respond and I really wish to have someone witnessing my death, so the plan is on the hold for now.
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