With a strong desire to write and OD being down for "maintenance", I guess I'll be writing my first real entry here on PB (I will be copy/pasting the entry over at OD later).
Today is my last day as a 30 year old! Tomorrow, my odometer rolls over to 31! I never imagined that I would actually be okay with each oncoming birthday in my 30's, especially considering how difficult each one was in my 20's. Particularly turning 24. My last year as an "early 20's", rapidly approaching "mid-20's". And then oh my god! THIRTY! And yet, turning 30, there was an odd, but appreciated, sense of peace and calm. Like, hey, sure, I'm turning 30, but you know what, I'm still here, I'm having the best time of my life and for the first time in Frank knows how long, I'm happy! I was truly, genuinely happy. I hadn't experienced happiness since my pregnancy with Tristan, a month after my 20th birthday. And yet, here I was. 30 years old and kicking ass at life. As I said, I was at peace with myself. Turning 30 wasn't the tragedy I thought it would be, wasn't the tragedy turning 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29 was. I actually welcomed my 30th birthday.
And it was a good day, even if my mom didn't call me to wish me a happy birthday. That kinda stung, I'll be completely honest. Even though I'm "banned" from speaking to Tristan (well, speaking to him and telling him who I am, I have to say I'm a "friend" of his Nana's), I always call on his birthday, just for the off chance that maybe, just maybe, he'll be the one to answer the phone and even though I can't tell him who is wishing him a happy birthday, I get to do so nonetheless. Though I wouldn't be surprised if, now that my mother knows (hi mom!), she puts a quick end to that. Mind you, I have told her before that I say "Hi!" and will ask him how he is or if he had a good day, or, if it's a holiday, I'll wish him a "Happy Whatever!", so you know, she might not do jack about it. Then again, she's unpredictable and sometimes something that didn't bother her before suddenly becomes an issue, so, who knows.
Moving on. Still no word from Nicole. shrugs Whatever. I did kind of care at first (even though I tried to convince myself I didn't), but now that I've been able to think about the whole situation and talked to Geno about it (he's mostly pissed about being accused of stealing her money because he is NOT a thief! Not to mention her being two-faced over the whole ordeal...), I've realized the best thing to do is just walk away from this with my pride and dignity intact. I'm certainly not going to go running after her to beg her forgiveness for something I didn't do and I'm certainly NOT paying her the $60. It just pisses me off even more that the night she accused me, she was saying shit like "You know what, the money doesn't matter!" and "Our friendship is worth more than $60!" or "I value you as a friend and don't want to lose you!", but then the next fucking night, she sends me a message on FB (before deleting me, obviously), saying that we need some distance and she believes we stole the money to buy Dilaudid (even after I've told her we don't pay money for the Dilaudid, we have a different arrangement) and that I told her Geno was "drug sick" (big fat fucking lie! Especially since we had short acting the evening she's referring to) and we've known each other for how long (19 years for the record), how could I do this to her? At that point, I sent her a fairly long message back, dispelling her theories and accusations. Even I pulled the whole "We've known each other for almost 20 years and you actually think and believe that I would get my husband to steal money from your purse?!". If she can pull that card, then damnit, so can I and I fucking will. Wow, I guess I am still a little pissed off and yes, hurt, as much as I fucking hate admitting that I'm hurt. It feels like I'm admitting defeat to Nicole or like she's getting what she wants or is "winning" somehow, as though this is some kind of game or something. I'm aware that those thoughts are irrational and probably really fucking dumb, but I really feel like I can't help it! I mean, when she deleted me from her FB friends list, it was like...oh how to describe/explain it from my skewed point of view...like she pulled a fast one and made the first move in a game of "I'm gonna do this and let's see what she does" kinda thing. I know, I know, completely irrational, but I feel like if I'm sad or upset or hurt, she "wins". I'm probably just crazy and it's all shit in my head, but whatever. I can't help it.
Welp, methinks that's all I have in me to write for now. Although, between tonight and tomorrow, I'll possibly be posting a "Year In Review" (going over the changes I've made, the goals I've achieved/missed, how I've grown, etc. over the last year, something I think I'm going to try to do every year...).
Ta for now peeps!
Sarah xoxox
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