On July 15 2022 I drowned…
The mind does strange things when you drown. You hit the water frantic, frightened.
Your mind tells you that you can make it, that theres a way out of this. You begin to tread water filled with the hope that if you “just hang in there”, you will be just fine. As time passes and your strength begins to fade, panic and the fight for life takes over as the little voices in the back of your mind tell you to never give up, help is still on the way.
Soon, you feel the tug of gravity pulling you down and the ability to stay above water gives way. Desperation begins to fill the little spaces where hope once endured. The weight of everything pulls you under and you flail frantically trying to survive.
Your mind tells you of all the things you have to live for, all the things you haven’t done yet. It tells you everything it can to keep you clutching for life. Grasping for one more moment as you sink lower and lower into the darkness.
Slowly you begin to understand and you stop grasping, drifting holding onto that one last gulp of air. Your mind begins to remind you of everything you have done, everything you held dear. The moments that made up your life and those in it that were dear to you. They were the source of your happiness…
The trinkets that were in your pockets begin to float from your pockets, little tokens of material possessions bobbing about like bubbles, stripped away by tide and buoyancy, some to drift forever, some to herald the coming of your mortal coil to the deep.
You become accustomed to the fall. Forever drifting to the unknown bottom, wondering if you will run out of air before or after you reach that final destination on the floor. Still forever falling.
You gaze upward to that spot of light that once was so big and bright, shrinking, dimming until there I only darkness. The all-consuming black of death, that never really comes…
Lungs burn, ears pop and you give in, nothing matters, nothing is important, save the never ending decent. While you fall your mind tells you that there is only one hope now, the hope that everyone who went before you will be waiting for you when you die…
This is the critical point. Your loved one will either be there to welcome you with open arms and take you to their table where you will feast n sleep in the arms of the lord and never again know the strife of drowning forever.
Or your loved ones will be there with wicked instruments of torture. Reminding you of all the things you did wrong in life, your failures, your lies, your adultery. All things you stole, broke or killed for time without end. Those who you loved beyond measure become the masters of your torture…
And still you fall, waiting for the truth of your existence, frightened by an outcome ruled by sweaty little denizens that prick your ears and make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention with the slightest thought of them…
I’ve been falling now for nearly 4 years…
Filed with terror at my fate…
Waiting to finally land on foreign shores…
To know at last, what dreams may come…
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