I know that we're only in the middle of the week, but already I've found myself exhausted and almost clamoring for the weekend to get here. Strangely enough, I tend to work most weekends, so I don't know if counting down the days until Saturday gets here is even worth all that effort. Barring incident, I will be working this coming Saturday, as well as Sunday. I've been doing this whole "working all seven days of the week" thing for well over two years now. I don't think I've ever been this tired. It makes me wonder if all of this working has finally started to catch up with me.
Now, when I say that I'm tired, this is never the kind of fatigue that I feel in my physical body. No, the kind of fatigue I experience is purely mental. I don't do much at work, as far as exerting myself physically. All I do really is sit at a desk and write. That would entail some measure of thought and thinking, which a lot of my coworkers can't be bothered to do themselves, but I'm one of those people who is constantly thinking. My mind drifts and wanders constantly. Dare I say that I overthink all the time or that maybe I apply thought to things that really don't require all that much thought to begin with. Either way, at the end of the day, I am tired. I guess all of that thinking really can take a toll and sometimes, it leaves me absolutely drained at the end of the day.
I have a multitude of friends and connections that keep me company throughout my day and I'm grateful for all of them. Some of them might chime in at the beginning of my day, sometimes just to say "good morning", as they wish me a decent and minimally stressful day. I always return the favor because I figure that if they're going out of their way to wish me well at the start of the day, I ought to do the same right back. Some of these friends are "with" me for the duration of my entire day and while they're only there in a written capacity (typically through text message or even through Discord), I still value their presence tremendously. Because I am an introverted soul and tend to prefer communicating through the written word anyway, I can truly appreciate being able to connect with my circle through text messages and even Discord messages. I guess in some way, I never feel alone. Then again, I never feel overwhelmed by so much "social" contact either. Somehow and without even trying, I've found the kind of balance that works perfectly for me. I reply at my own pace, though I always do my best to reply in a timely fashion, because I don't like to leave people waiting if I can avoid it.
As much as I am grateful for those who remain in my personal circle, I can't help but wonder about those individuals who were once in my circle, but who have decided to move on and otherwise leave me behind. In no way am I some kind of victim, but again, I think about things and I think all the time. How are they doing? In the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder why they felt the need to leave. Was there something about me that suddenly turned them off? Could we not have talked things through and come to some kind of understanding and resolution? Why just leave and disappear without a trace? If I think about this stuff really hard, it could end up messing with my self-esteem. I tend to blame myself too.
I know that I'm far from perfect, but why did they have to leave? That's one of those questions that just lingers and it will probably remain unanswered, because I don't have those answers and I don't think I ever will. I have to be content with not knowing and otherwise moving forward with my life. I know that I've always maintained this mentality that I don't need people and while to some degree, that is true, that doesn't mean that I want to people who I've welcomed into my world to just get up and leave, whether this is quietly or with some kind of parting shot. If I've allowed people into my circle, it is because I found some value in them. When people leave, it makes me second-guess myself. It makes me wonder if I misread something or misjudged someone, as though I made a mistake in allowing people in. I don't like to think that I was wrong, but clearly I had to have been. I know that in life, people will come and go, but I have always valued quality over quantity. My circle remains small, but those who are in it are quality folks or "good people" as I like to refer to them in a collective capacity.
Maybe, in some way, if my circle didn't exist, I'd still be okay and my life would continue. I'd have to be okay with living my life like that. But with my circle intact, it makes me feel like at least to those people, I matter. I feel valued. People out there, people who aren't biological family, care about me in some way and knowing that by itself, feels really good.
I don't know where I was going with this. I guess in some way, this entry is a sort of "thank you" to those who deserve it and to those who should be thanked (even though the vast majority of them will never read this). I suppose I also want to send those who left some well wishes. I don't know where life has taken them or how life continues to treat them, but hopefully, they're doing okay, even on a minimal level.
I know that I was tired when I started writing this. In the end, I'm never too tired to give thanks where it is due and to show some appreciation to those who need to see/hear that appreciation.
To those who continue to stick around, thank you. I know that the words can only carry so much power, but the gratitude that I feel is truly heartfelt.
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