You can call me confident, if you like. I am confident, sometimes to where it borders on arrogance, though regardless, I tend to have decent self-esteem. I always have. Having said that, I've never been the type of person to outright say that I'm charming, that I'm a good person, or that people need to like or respect me. Fuck all of that. I know what I am. I know who I am. I don't have to explicitly say it. Whether anyone else sees it or knows it, I do not care. I tend not to value most third-party perspective anyway.
I conversed with Carmen for a few minutes today. She and I are still trying to coordinate our schedules so that maybe we can finally have lunch together. We've been trying to set this up for nearly three years now. The last time we ate a meal together was in May 2024, I believe. I have a lot more flexibility in my schedule than she does, so I guess I'm in a position where I'll just have to wait for her. All in due time, I suppose.
When it comes to Carmen, I am very patient with her. I tend to be very understanding of her quirks and idiosyncrasies, which might be an odd choice of terms to use with her, being that she is a complete extrovert. She enjoys talking to people. She doesn't mind being the life of the party or the center of attention. In a general capacity, she likes people. She's has a bubbly and attractive personality, though on the other side of that coin, she can be nasty and evil when provoked. The key is to avoid flipping that coin and exposing that, and I'm using her words, "the Salvadorian bitch" in her. I've seen it before, though I've been fortunate to never ever have been the target of her wrath.
Without delving too much into Carmen and our history together, I will say this about her in this entry. She finds me to be charming (because she's told me so herself). She knows that I'm a good person. She respects me, just as much as I respect her. As I believe I alluded to in a previous entry, she and I have been close friends for over 20 years. Even when I remind her that we've been rocking with each other for two decades, she is dumbfounded and baffled by the whole thing. 20 years is a long time and she and I both know it.
Every now and then, we'll take a trip down memory lane and reminisce about the time that we shared together. Prior to 2016, we would see each other often. Since then, we've seen other only sporadically. This is one of those situations where indeed, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Whenever we happen to reconnect, be it through text message or in person, we always feel as though we just saw each other five minutes earlier. Our connection never feels foreign or unfamiliar. The conversation always flows. There's always a certain warmth that still exists between us and indeed, it always feels good when we're together, even if it happens to be through text message.
If I were to ever have a friend for life, and there aren't many, it is Carmen. We have never hesitated to say this to each other because truly, that's how strong and deep our connection is:
I love you.
We know what means to us and it is a special and strong feeling. I do love Carmen and I do so with all my heart. That is a damn good woman right there and I'm grateful to have someone like her in my life, even if for much of the last decade, it has been from a distance, albeit a short one.
We have this understanding, I guess, where we will always be there for each other, except when it comes to getting together for a lunch or even dinner. Hell, I'd even be open to eating breakfast with her, though she has never been a morning person.
What I've never understood is how someone can tell another person that they love them and then just walk away from them. I've had people tell me that before and it baffled me every time I had heard it. If you love me, why not, oh I don't know, stick around and continue to be a part of my life.
Carmen is still around and I will continue to value and treasure her for many years to come, just as I've done for much of the past 20 years.
She loves me. I love her. Our lives continue on, though they're not as intertwined as they used to be. It doesn't matter though.
She didn't tell me that she loved me and then ran off, like that sort of behavior is congruent with telling someone that you love them.
Carmen is one of the good ones and yes, I love her dearly.
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