I have a way with words. I didn't always. But for much of my adult life, I have known how to use language. I always knew the power of words, dating back to my childhood, but it wasn't until after I finished college and started using words, both spoken and written, in a professional capacity that I realized something very simple.
My words have power.
In general terms and when used properly, words indeed have power. I have known this for years.
Earlier today, I lost someone I truly regarded as a friend, as someone with whom I believe I had an especially deep connection. I wrote about her in a few recent, previous entries.
I was never afforded the opportunity to talk things out with her and reach some kind of understanding. It was my intent to keep our relationship intact (after someone here on PB had written me a comment on one of my entries, a comment that resonated with me and made me realize that this was a relationship worth fighting for) and move forward, but in the end, I have no choice but to accept this as a major loss. A very, major loss.
I had the words ready. I knew what I wanted to say. I didn't rehearse what I was going to say or anything like that, but I wanted to give this a shot and see if we could patch things up. As I said, that opportunity never presented itself. She walked away before I could say anything.
This entry will be dedicated to what I would have said to her, what I had building up in my mind for a good portion of the day, words that I never got a chance to say.
You never gave me a chance. I know I said some things, things that you were quick to take at face value, without allowing me to elaborate further. Yes, I said that I don't rely on other people for anything, not for entertainment, not to keep me company, not to assure me that I'm not alone in this world. I did say that and I still stand by that. You knew from the beginning that like you, I am introvert. You being an introvert yourself is what attracted me to you in the first place. I liked being able to communicate and associate with and otherwise be a part of someone's life who I believed was like me in a way.
Here's where your abrupt exit has led you to believe some things that maybe required additional explanation. You see, I don't rely on others for certain things. In some way, I don't need people. But in your case, I WANTED you to be around. I wanted you here. You came into my life and made yourself comfortable. I got used to you being here. I opened up to you. We opened up to each other. I came to accept you as a part of my life, as someone I enjoyed talking to and exchanging ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I saw you as a confidant. Without a doubt, you were someone I could talk to. Talking to you did not require any effort. It felt smooth, seamless even. It felt natural, like I could tell you anything. As you know, for an introvert, talking to others is NEVER that simple. Talking can be taxing, if not downright stressful at times. That was never the case with you.
We had even reached an understanding regarding what you had said about my taking advantage of you. At least, I thought we did.
You had told me repeatedly that I matter to you. Did I perhaps err by not telling you the same thing, maybe in a timelier manner? Obviously, with everything that I'm writing and feeling, clearly you matter to me as well. If you didn't, I wouldn't be writing any of this and I wouldn't be feeling the way that I do. You don't know how happy you would make me feel, just by communicating with me every day, as we would effectively spend our days together, albeit from afar. I knew that no matter where I was or what I was doing, you were always just a text message away. I had come to see my cell phone as my portal to you, an outlet to normalcy and even an escape from the nonsense that tends to plague me throughout the course of my day-to-day life. I never questioned this, but yes, you were always there.
Contrary to your belief, you indeed made me happy. You were always a source of happiness. You don't know how every morning, I would get anxious as the 6am hour would steadily approach, because I know that exactly at 6am, I would text you, so simply...
Good morning...
Though I'd be awake for well over two hours by the time that text message would go out to you, it wasn't until I sent that text message that my day would officially start. Now, with the way that you walked away, I won't have that anymore. Rest assured that I will definitely feel this loss tomorrow when I return to work and I won't have you by my proverbial side. 6am will come and go and gradually, it will lose all the meaning that it once had for me. For you. For us.
As an introvert, I have always maintained a small circle of people around me. I have always valued quality over quantity and for a brief moment in time, you were part of that circle. You were one of the few quality people I had in my life. I don't like it when people I allowed into my circle leave, regardless of reason. In fact, truth be told, I hate it. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough as a person for them to stay. Yes, I will always point the finger towards me. It is MY fault that they leave. What did I do wrong for them to decide that being in this man's life just isn't worth it, at least, not anymore?
You told me that I was never going to need you. You told me that I never needed your care and assurances. I will say this and I say this with all sincerity.
I do.
I don't know if that means much anymore, anything that I've written here. What I do know if this. Here I sit, writing in my journal here, effectively talking to a ghost. You decided to walk away from me and leave me here, with all of these emotions swirling around in my head. These words will eventually drift into the atmosphere, evaporating into nothing.
You used to refer to me as your "machine". I never stopped you from doing so and after a while, I started to like it. It made me feel that I could do anything, so long as I had the battery for it. It had also reinforced this idea that maybe, just maybe, like a machine, I didn't have any feelings. I didn't need them. Now look at me.
Feelings.
Emotions.
Sadness.
Loss.
The feelings are clearly there. I guess in the end, maybe I should have told you that I cared about you? I don't know if it would have changed anything, but maybe I should have said it?
I blame myself and will continue to do so. We could have overcome this, but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. You walked away and did so without giving me a chance to say everything I've written here.
Tomorrow is a new day. It will also be what I believe will be the first of many days without you.
I guess in some way, I'll still be around and you know where and how to find me. I just don't believe that, at least to you, that I'm worth finding again.
In The Wizard Of Oz, the Tin Man didn't have a heart.
In the end, I wish that I didn't either.
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