Don’t get too close It’s dark inside ... in My Unpredictable Life ...

It’s where my demons hide

It’s a new month, a new entry lol

I’m trying harder to make time to come back here each day. Most days I can only read a few even if I don’t note.

Today, I’m making the time to write also. I should be doing other things, but for this amount of time, I am here, writing.

My emotions seem to be all over the place. I think it is because of the time of the year.

I used to love Christmas. Everything associated with Christmas.

But as I grew older, I started to loathe it.

I no longer loathe it. But I can’t seem to recapture that “magical feeling” I had as a child. Maybe all adults lose that “magical feeling”?

When I had The Child, I decided to no longer think of Christmas in terms of myself, but in terms of how I could make it “magical” for her. Despite a few of the years that Hubby was deployed when he was active duty, she tells us that Christmas time is her most favorite part of the year. These past 2 Christmas’ have been hard for her not having our extended family around for her to celebrate with. This year, she is truly feeling it, and has made comments about how she misses them.

Maybe my emotions are feeding off of hers?

I feel bad that I can’t give her what she wants, or maybe even what she needs, our extended families.

But for myself, I am content not having them around.

Maybe therein lies my problem.

I don’t need, nor do I want my family. Or even friends for that matter.

It’s been almost 14 months since I parted ways with my best friend of 23 years.

Most days are good days.

Most days I no longer reach for the phone to call her.

But then, there are those days …

It’s been a struggle rebuilding my life, a life that no longer involves her. This past summer was pretty tough to get through, but got through it I did. But with each new day, the struggle becomes less and less. One day, this time in my life will be but a distant memory. And I will be proud of my accomplishments. But I won’t miss her any less than I do today, or than I did yesterday. I’ve come to terms that even though we may no longer have contact, she will still be a big part of my life. A huge part of who I am today, is because of her. She will always be a part of me.

And maybe, just maybe one day, I will finally be able to figure out, be able to wrap my head around what went wrong. Maybe I will finally understand why she ripped my heart in two; why she broke her promises to me; why she threw “us” away.

My life seems to be full of nothing but “maybe’s” and “one day” …

I think back to a year ago and just how miserable I was with work, with money, with all the things that were going on.

Today, work is good. Money is better. I still struggle with maintaining the perfect balance of work vs. family. But for the most part, I make it. Even if I am sleep deprived. I keep reminding myself that I only have a few years left with The Child before she graduates and starts her journey of life, all on her own. I can survive till then. Besides, I can sleep when I am dead.

I see what an awesome human being she is turning into, and I know all of my struggles are worth it. It’s not a perfect life; I am far from perfect. But knowing that she is getting everything I dreamed about makes the struggles that much more bearable. For her I can do anything. For her I will do anything.

So the days when all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry for all that is lost, but instead I hold my head high and I set the example for her to not let “life” break you, I’m proud of myself.

My child does not know how to deal with life in terms of anger, sorrow, depression, hate. She knows to deal with life, face life head on with nothing but patience, joy, laughter, love. She knows that even though “life” may hurt, physically or emotionally, it’s okay and that time heals all wounds.

Rumor has it that the hotel I work at is on pins and needles regarding me. They are afraid I’m fixing to walk out the door and not look back.

I’m not.

I should. Lord knows, I should. But I’m not.

Despite all the negativity going on with them right now, I still love working there. Most days, lol. I love our guests and they are the reason I stay. Not to mention that I do get family time, more than other places would give me. So I don’t want to rock that boat.

But I won’t let them know I have no intentions of leaving.

Over the past few months it was learned that 2 people who started after me, make more money than I do. Fair? Nope. But it is what it is. I’ve not said a word about it.

Maggie was promoted to front desk manager. She’s been there 3 months less than myself. I’m happy for her, I like her. And if she feels working 50+ hours a week, being on call 24/7 for only a few more dollars a paycheck is worth giving up time with her 4 kids & husband, then more power to her. Why would I fault her for that? I personally made it known from my interview on that my family comes first, this is only a job, not a career, and to please do not look to me in the future for advancement. When my child is grown and out of the house, then we can talk, but till then, no thank you.

My strong work ethics have made me a force to be reckoned with and it has paid off. I get the most compliments from the guests. A few guests will only deal with me. I was even paid a compliment so high, that the president/owner of the company that owns our hotel, gave me a personal shout out. No one else around there has received that, past or present.

At the same time, my strong worth ethics have caused some hate and discontent. I am not in control of your feelings and emotions. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You too could have all that I have, if you just applied yourself. And even though you may think “office politics” are the way to get you to the top, stepping on who ever to get there, I personally don’t. You won’t catch me kissing ass for favors. I earn all that I earn on my own; I don’t sell myself short; I don’t use people to get me to my end goal. I am responsible for my own failures and my own advancements. So you do what you have to do and I will do what I have to do to maintain a peaceful, guilt-free conscious. And don’t worry, because I am not worried that all things come in due time. I may be getting screwed, hard, but this too shall pass and my reward is right around the corner.

Speaking of screwed … what has everyone “concerned” I might walk is just a matter of technicality. Our employee handbook states that you must work minimum of 30+ hours per week, every week, 90 days prior to a holiday to be eligible for double time holiday pay. Since September, I have been working hard to reach that status. The day before Thanksgiving, Omar pulled up the report to see if I had made it yet. I was only in the middle of week 11 of the 12 week requirement.

I came in at 29.89 hours.

That’s right. I missed double time holiday pay by point eleven.

What does that mean? Aside from that I didn’t qualify for holiday time? No one seems to know. Our paycheck hours are rounded out to .25, .50, .75 so where does the .89 factor in? Last I checked, there weren’t 89 minutes in a hour. So yeah, I have no clue how they came up with 29.89.

Omar said he would still put me in for the holiday pay, and he would talk to Bob (regional manager) to pull strings to make sure I get it. But am I holding my breath? Hell no. I’ll know one way or the other come Monday when I get my pay stub. But don’t worry, I don’t have any vision’s of grandeur.

So now everyone “feels bad” for me. Everyone is screaming of the injustice. Everyone is scared I’m going to walk and leave them in a worse position than they already are being so short staffed as we are right now.

People’s, I’m not surprised by this. It’s how my life has always played out … a day late and a dollar short. It’s okay. This too shall pass. I’ve been screwed worse in the past. I’m not gonna let a measly .11 ruin things for me … whatever the hell .11 means.

So although I appreciate you all wanting to go to war on my behalf, let’s concentrate more on, oh I don’t know, maybe doing YOUR job, the job you get paid to do instead of leaving it for me to finish so that I can do MY job. I’ve already talked to you about your gas station quality coffee, I’ve even showed you how to make the coffee correctly, so concentrate on that please and thank you very much. Or how about you stock the kitchen store room so that I don’t have to go searching 4 floors of the hotel, looking in numerous storage closets. I’m fat and I’m 43 years old, People’s. Climbing shelves to reach napkins and what not is not fun for me. I’m not graceful. I will eventually end up hurting myself. And seriously, would it kill a person to stock the sweet shop or empty the trash or even stock a printer every once in a while? No, no it would not. Because I do it every shift and I am still alive and well, thank you very much.

And for the love of all that is holy, will someone tell Kasey that cutting her hair to look like mine, and even coloring her hair to the same color I color mine, will NOT make her me. She can mimic me all she wants but she will never be me. It would be almost funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. I’ve complained enough about her shadowing me. Do something about her before I end up in a “B” rated version of “Single White Female”.

Till next time ....

Last updated December 04, 2014