social anxiety in everything

i don’t know when i first developed it but i have social anxiety. the first time i was told i had it was after adam was born & the public health nurse came to see us. i was showing signs of it & she called me out on it. it’s really a hard thing to have. it feels like i have a “voice” in my head at all times. with everything i do. it wasn’t so bad at wsch b/c i knew my staff before i “developed” it but starting off at the ernh was a whole different story. i like my staff there too but it’s harder there. i want to fit in & be accepted. who doesn’t?? but it gets in the way. as soon as i bring something up i can hear my “voice” saying all different kinds of things like why did i say that? they didn’t understand what u were talking about. etc. then i feel kind of panicky. i also notice that when i’m having to say something i play with my hair a lot. it seems to calm me? i feel restless when i have to talk & my heart starts beating so fast. also bringing up conversations are hard b/c i hear that voice as im speaking saying they don’t care about that. why are u talking about that? etc. even a few weeks ago i heard the voice telling me that unless i have something to add to the conversation, don’t talk b/c they won’t care about what your saying so i shouldn’t talk. i feel very awkward & sometimes alienated but this only happens around coworkers, & some family. thankfully not around my husband, close friends or kids. but i feel different. i want to have friends. i want to feel social. i want to be outgoing. i want to talk without that voice. and if i make a mistake, any mistake, watch out. i criticize & criticize myself. i play scenarios over & over again. i have a hard time letting go & moving forward. and if i have to tell my coworker something or ask a question it’s really hard. i feel like they’re going to think im demanding, bossing them or something. so i have to say that i dont mean it that way & only if u want before i can even tell them what i want to tell them. then i have to repeat that stuff again. but i still walk away thinking i hope they don’t take that wrong. i hope i didn’t come across like that. etc. the voice does not stop. except when im at home. i wish i could have more friends & fit in easily.
this. is. me.
i’ve also been told by coworkers that this is all an internal struggle in the sense that i don’t come across like somebody with social anxiety. (i’ve told a few of them that i know i can trust & we’ve shared personal things i talk to some of them but not so easily to others)
one of those girls, june that iv’e talked to about this, told me that i should go to the christmas party tonight. i was never going to go but im torn now. there’s a few girls there that have asked me to come but i’m scared. how stupid is that? im scared to go to a christmas party. so scared im near tears. i don’t want to be awkward. i want to go, fit in & have a good time. but. im. scared.