Christmas was really nice this year. I think it was nice. My anxiety is arguing with me, but I’m pretty sure it was nice. “Nice” is a very broad, subjective descriptor so we’ll stick with that.
Two of my uncles and my aunt showed up for Christmas, which I think is what made it a little awkward. Family from my father’s side… one of which I’ve seen maybe twice in my conscious life. His English is not great, and my Spanish is even worse. I say they showed up, but I did invite them… kind of. We’ve talked about this already. But they showed up, and the fact that they were here at all was cool. I’m glad they came. And they stayed for like 4 hours which was a long time.
I think to myself, if they hated it, they could have left. They could have visited, pretended to eat with us and then bounced… but they stayed. So, I think it went well?
Being with that side of my family fills me with… feelings. They remind me of everything that I am, and everything that I’m not.
My father, when he was alive, was two different people. Part of him, the man who raised me, was American. He was the first to come here and I think in a way it was important for him to assimilate. He never lost his thick accent, but at some point, he gave up arroz con gandules for steak and baked potatoes. He gave up playing dominos on the weekends with long time family friends to playing golf at the country club with colleagues. Fortunately, I was raised with both cultural influences, but the older I got, the more American I became, until I lost touch with my Puerto Rican family for about 20 years. My father’s passing forced me to reconnect to them, to my ancestry.
Being with my Puerto Rican side makes me feel whole in a way that I can’t describe. I look like them. I have my mother’s face with the colors and features of an islander. My mother is white with blue eyes, and thin mousey blonde hair that she teases and sprays until it stands up off her head in an unruly way she considers passably curly. I have massive, thick ringlet curls that are both soft but course, that twist and wave in every direction, that defy all manners of clips and hair ties. My skin is the color of coffee with milk, my eyes dark enough to be black some days, but light enough to be milk chocolate other days. I have my mother’s face, but I look every bit the islander my father was. And being around my uncles, and my aunt remind me that half of me never came to fruition. I don’t speak Spanish, I don’t dance… I was raised to get good grades and join corporate America. And I did that.
I digress. Clearly, I have a lot to mentally unpack. Sorry.
So, my family visiting was gift itself. It truly was. And as much as I was so happy to have them in my home for the first time ever, I was also feeling the shame of being only half, and not their half. My inability to connect felt heavy at least to me, and I felt like I was overcompensating for the lack of memories, the lack of language, the lack of familiarity and all the things that I should have built with them, but the past 20 years had robbed me.
After they left, things felt easy again. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. We opened our gifts, we laughed, we snoozed on the couch.
Mom got fancy oils and vinegars from the shop across from mine- she’s always enjoyed that but it’s not something she would buy for herself. I also got her a carpet cleaner- something she’s been wanting, and a gift card to an organic market she frequents. Nan wanted car seat covers, so I got her an entire matching set. I got her seat covers, a steering wheel cover, a seat belt cover and a cute dangly butterfly prism to hang from her rearview mirror. The set is bright, floral and colorful, just like her. Hubby got a Manscape set that he’s been eyeing up, some old 80’s action figure collectables, a Zelda Breath of the Wild hoodie, a One-Piece Beanie- he never leaves the house without a hat. He got a couple other nerdy items because that’s who we are as a family.
Hubby found a bunch of home movies from the late 80s early 90s of my mom, grandma and me as a babe that he converted to CD. We put the discs in the PS5 and watched them all. My dad was in there a few times, as well as my grandfather and great grandmother. My grandmother- we call her Nanny, was super alert. I had expected her to fall asleep, but she was absolutely engrossed in the past, and I don’t know exactly how she felt about all of it. Nan is 80 years old, very spry and young- you’d never guess her age if you saw her walking in the mall or the grocery store… But her sisters and friends are failing. Many of them have become permanent fixtures at hospitals and nursing homes over the last year or two, and it’s making her question her own mortality… She comments about the time she has left as if she’s noticing the ticking clock for the first time. I don’t know how she felt seeing herself so young again. I don’t know how I would feel.
My son ended up with a lot of cash. I think he accrued almost $800, but he’s got much more than that. He saves his money. He’s got a lock box in his room where he keeps it which I think is awesome. He saves his money and spends everyone else’s. Haha! My smart boy. He always gets a crisp hundo when he turns in a straight A report card- we’ve been doing that for a long time now. Funny thing is, he’s never gotten a B in his life. He also got a new gaming mouse and keyboard, plus some clothes and a handheld emulator device that looks like an old game boy with an excellent LED screen.
He wanted to buy a laptop, but in lieu of purchasing that for Christmas for him, we figured we’d give him the cash for one and he can either use what he has saved already to purchase an expensive one, or he can find something cheaper. He plans to go cheap and build his own custom laptop essentially, so that will probably be his focus project this upcoming year.
Hubs also got me mini brand books, which was super thoughtful because while I really do enjoy the make it minis, I always wanted the books, but they were always sold out. Well, I didn’t really always “want” them, but I had seen them on social media for a time, and I thought they were cool. Since I’ve been reading a lot lately, Hubs got me a bunch of the mini brand books, and I even got a rare Bram Stoker Dracula with a blood vial inside which I was super pleased about. I’ve never gotten a rare mini before.
He got me a giant, oversized, fleece lined Harry Potter Snuggie in the color of my class house- Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs value hard work, loyalty and patience. I COULD be a Ravenclaw too- they are creative intellectuals, but I’m pretty positive my heart leans toward the Badger.
And he got me a My Chemical Romance hoodie… which was kind of funny at first because over the holiday season we had gone into Hot Topic looking for whatever, and I had found this MCR zip up hoodie that was identical to one I had when I was in high school, again about 20 years ago. It took me back to my Slipknot, Marilyn Manson loving days… which I still find myself from time to time.
My playlist is wild. I have songs from Disney movies, I have Coheed and Cambria, I have Britney Spears, I have Slipknot, I have Sabrina Carpenter… the list goes on. You never know what’s going to play next. But at heart, I’ll forever be 2000’s era emo kid with my baggy Tripp pants, my fishnets and teen angst in my heart shaped box.
With encouragement I put the hoodie on and zipped it up and stuck my hands in the pockets like I do. I felt slips of paper in the pockets but ignored them because I was laughing at the absurdity of me at 36 wearing the same hoodie I owned at 16. Hubs asked me what was in the pocket, indicating that there was more to the gift… Come to find out he got us TICKETS to the MCR Black Parade tour in August at Nationals Park.
That’s wild. Super wild.
Hubs was kind of disappointed that I wasn’t screaming with excitement, but I’m not really a concert person. I think it’s cool, and I’m imagining a bunch of 30-40 something ex emo kids trying not to sprain our ankles and knees when the band plays Helena.
For us, Christmas kind of marks the end of the year as opposed to New Years, and to be honest I’m glad that it’s over. This year has both dragged and flown by all at the same time, and I’m ready to start over again in 2026.
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