So, Christmas is over, and now it’s time to make New Years resolutions, right? New year, new me… Again. Put the sports bra on, get 10,000 steps each day, and don’t dare even think about eating bread whatsoever until our bods look just like Kim K.
Perfection.
I think I’m going to do things a little differently this year.
Would I like to lose weight? Yes, of course. I’d love to become a brand new me by August- right before the pools open up so I can sit with the Hot Moms. My son will be 16 this spring, and it would be kind of cool to be a Stacey’s Mom type of Mom. Then again, that’s also kind of creepy. I probably shouldn’t have said that- I don’t want that kind of attention. But you GET it, right? No, in all honesty, my New Years resolution is going to be finding myself again. Finding my joy.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve lost myself somewhere. I’ve lost myself in the bill paying, in the child rearing, in the crisis mitigating, in the being available to everyone and fixing everyone’s problems to the point that there’s nothing left for me. The titles that I wear are who I am- Mom, Boss, Leader, Manager. But A is missing. I am missing. That being said, I’ll never be who I was before- there are a lot of great things that come with age that I’m proud of, and I’ve got a lot ahead of me, but I just feel like I need to pause and get back to basics for a while.
I want to eat better. I cook. I love to cook- I’m a pretty good home chef, I think. My mom said cooking was a lost opportunity- that maybe I should have been a chef instead of a retail manager. She also says I should have been a teacher, a lawyer, and the President of the USA. Meh… I enjoy my job. Anyway, over the past decade we’ve been eating out A LOT. We honestly eat out probably 2-3 times per week as a family, not including the frequent lunches we buy individually. If we aren’t eating out, we’re popping freezer food into the oven because who has the time to actually prepare a meal? I do. I can make the time. And I’m the only one in my immediate family that cooks anymore. All of this processed food has made me sick, fat and poor. Haha! Funny, but so real. If I commit myself to cooking for my family, for me, hopefully I’ll do a major life course correct.
I want to make more time for myself. I spend a lot of time at work, as we do, and then I spend a lot of time disassociating on video games and social media. I’m someone who will spend hours scrolling social media, especially TikTok, aimlessly from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Well after I should have been in bed, actually. The thought of how social media has consumed so much of my life is disappointing and kind of unnerving too. I’ll be cutting down on both of those things drastically.
I want to spend more time cooking of course but also getting back to the hobbies that I love. I want to read more- I used to be a very avid reader, about one book per week, but after my dad died I gave up reading. I wasn’t able to concentrate on the words. I’ve started a little bit- I’ve been reading the ACOTAR series (I know I’m late) and I’m a bit over halfway through the last book. A lot of my favorite series and authors have put out books in the last few years so I have a very lengthy reading list.
I used to be a very avid gardener also. My grandmother forced me into the habit, but it’s gotten away from me. My garden is kind of wild and untamed, which in some cases is really neat but in mine unfortunately it’s not. It’s pure chaos out there.
I need to spend a lot of quality time with myself this year also. I’m years overdue on the dentist, the lady doctor, and I need to get myself reestablished with a general doctor as well. I had one that I was quite fond of, but she left the practice and gave another doctor all of her patients, and the two of us have never really hit it off. I need to find somewhere else- someone else. I have cavities in my teeth that I got after my son was born almost 16 years ago that are still there, but I’m terrified of the dentist, which is silly and irrational. I used to exercise weekly, take long showers, take great care of my hair and skin… I don’t prioritize myself anymore. I don’t prioritize myself, my house, my anything. But this year, part of my resolution is to make time for all of that again.
And lastly, I want to make more time for my personal relationships. I refer to my husband as my husband, but in reality, he’s not. We’re not married, but we’ve been together for 10 years. It’s been a very long time. I’d like to get married this year (maybe- we keep saying we’ll do it, but then we put it off). My son has two more years in high school, and we’re starting to look at colleges. We’re thinking about getting internships and first jobs and learning how to drive. It won’t be too much longer that he’ll truly separate himself from me as his parent to find his own independence. He doesn’t need me anymore… Not like he once did. So, this year, for the first time in a decade with my Hubs, or Hubs to be- whatever, we’ve vowed to make time for ourselves. Just us. To take some weekend trips alone, to do more together as a family in general while we still can.
This has been a lot. I’ve said a lot. But all of this to say that my New Years resolution is not to lose weight, or give up carbs, or soda, or quit a bad habit, but instead my resolution is to live again in all the ways. Somewhere over the course of the last 10 years I feel that I’ve lost my life. Work, disassociate, sleep, repeat. Pay bills, go to the grocery store, count my pennies, repeat. Complain about all of my aches and pains, wish them away, but instead of doing the work to fix anything I dig my heels in furthering myself into my own self-destructive routine.
New year, old me. Starting today.
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