My mom has been furious because the lawyer requests she not have her phone or debit card due to impulsive spending. She went to her Dr demanded him to tell me give her debit card back and her phone or she threatened to take his license to work as a Dr. I told her the Dr isn't responsible for her anger and she needs to focus on her health. Mom wasn't pleased and made plans. Mom keeps gathering items in stores and demands me to ring her goods pay for them or she throws a fit and acts out like a 70 year old toddler.. she treats me as a slave not her daughter. My only purpose in her life is to serve her in her opinion.
My phone is fingerprint,face recognition and code pin locked. Mom noticed my phone was charging and stole my phone. She hid it in her bedroom. At first I focused on cleaning not thinking much about it. I go to see the percentage my phone was charged to discover it missing. I went through my couch,checked the bathroom, kitchen nothing. I remembered mom has been pissed at me because the lawyer said no phones. I asked her if I go through her bedroom will I find my phone she said no. Lies again. I told her I was going turn the tracking device on to find it she thought she was being cute until I told her I was going to the neighbors house and borrow their phone to call my husband. She said oh hell ruin her fun and handed me my phone back.
She swore she knew the numbers I let her try she swore her fingerprint and face could beat the programming to open the phone. She appeared so defeated when it didn't even work.
Mom and I paid the rent,car insurance, got gas for the car. She harassed me till she bought her energy drinks. The Dr said she isn't allowed to drive due to her medical and psychological condition. Mom furious tried to get me to pay $800 to get her car out of impound she put it there in November after we asked her not to tow it to mechanic. Was told until the court case is over it is to stay in impound. Mom demanded me get it fixed by mechanic I don't think she realizes her estate is in legal limbo. She doesn't appeared worried what so ever while I cry myself to sleep at night stressed. I fear for our futures I love my mom I want us to be okay.
I am sitting her cuddling my son like this is the last hour I will have him. I am not good psychologically and everyone sleeps happily in the night tears flow down my eyes. I love him more than I will ever love myself. I only exist to be his mom. Nothing else to me even matters.
I miss my mom for who who she once was. I miss when she wasn't schizoeffective,bipolar 1,anxiety disorder and depression. I see the shell of a woman I once loved and I often cry because idk why I am even here anymore. Mom said so many cruel things it's her mental illness speaking she doesn't truly mean them.. I miss when mom used to hug me and tell me she loves me. She is a shell of a person she used to be. I hug my son because all affection seems so superficial from others. If I quit breathing tonight i would want my son to know I love him. I am not trying suicide I am just so bad and hopeless. I don't know why I try anymore. I doubt anyone appreciated me.
I am skipping Christmas this year. I see no reason to celebrate. The darkness is to much. I don't see an escape..I don't understand why it all sees so heavy.. happy holidays to the ones it matter to I guess..
I want all the sadness and struggle to be over. I might visit my dad's grave today and bring flowers. I been seeing death to much as an option lately. Everytime I debate it I look at my son through tears in my eyes and think my son deserves to have a mother. I deserve the honor to see him grow up. I sit crying alone a lot.
I miss who my mom used to be. I foolishly reach out for comfort. It's like she doesn't understand. It's like losing her but she is still alive. I really want what's best for her. I filed the paperwork for guardianship and custodianship to save her from her own destructive nature. I might lose her to my aunt Becky or a group home. I feel so helpless. How do I help her?
I can't help her if the tears don't stop I need to help myself. I might text a crisis hotline. I need a fresh perspective. I need someone who isn't so broken. I need to be ok..for my son.
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