Christmas 2025 in my partner

So it was suppose to be our first christmas together and now it won't get to happen. I'm feeling a little lost without him and deep down i know its for the better but its hard. my family is going away to visit my nan and im at home without them and without him when all i want is him. He's my home but i'm not ever home without him here. i feel like i've lost a part of myself that i wont ever get back with him and i don't know how to feel, i cry myself to sleep most nights and stare at the roof till my eyes are to heavy to keep open. i miss him and dispite everything i feel like i have to scream it to the world of how much i miss this man. he's my home and my safe place and i've lost that. i've lost my safe place and i have lost my home. what do you do without that? the person you planned your entire life with, kids, pets, white picket fence house? i see any other guy and instantly get icky like the thought of another man looking at me, touching me, holding me, kissing me, loving me, wanting/needing me makes me physcially sick! makes me want to rip my nervous system out. How do i get over someone that hurt me? how do i stop loving someone that hurt me, how do i let go of the one person i thought id spend the rest of my life with? Merry christmas to anyone who had the time and heart to read my rant, i appriciate you