Church was good today. It usually is. I went to the altar for prayer and just stood there sobbing. Just begging God to fill me again because I feel so empty. Pastor Rodney, the associate pastor, took my hands and started praying over me. I told him everything that was going on and how Ive been feeling. He gave me some encouragement but before he could finish he nudged me out of the way and put his arms around this man coming up behind me who reeked of alcohol. He ended up falling out in the spirit. I heard some of what Pastor Rodney was saying to him and I heard him say something about alcoholism. Being a recovered alcoholic myself I took pity on the man and placed my hand on his shoulder and just spoke Jesus over him while Rodney did the main praying.
I had seen Rodney praying over this man earlier where he had fallen out then as well but I was so wrapped up in my own prayers that I didn’t pay close attention. Pat told me later that this guy had been sitting in the back of the church making comments the whole way through Pastor Rays sermon. At one point, in a deep voice he said “you better watch yourself”. We think that he may have been getting delivered from some demonic spirits. Pat told me he had been writhing on the ground the first time he had fallen out, like he was in pain from the prayers. He told me about all his strange behavior beforehand and it fits that he may have had a deliverence happen today. Im anxious to see him the next time he comes. To see the difference in him.
It was interesting to say the least.
My problems from the last entry are still problems but it’s just too heavy of a burden to carry. I gave it to God. I just can’t be bothered to carry it around anymore. Let him deal with it.
Because honestly, i was having a lot of thoughts like “if Jesus decided to come and get me today Id be ok with that.” Im NOT suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself. But if God decided it was time, I wouldn’t protest. Id at least be in a better place.
But until he does call me home I still have responsibilities to take care of. Bills to pay. Grandkids to love. Work to do. Carrying all that weight of stress and worry isn’t going to help any of those things so I dropped it all off at the altar.
Im not constantly crying anymore. In fact today at the altar was the first Ive cried for several days. Not since my last entry to be exact.
I ask Ray for some advice on filling myself back up again. He suggested a Bible app that he uses that has tons of devotionals in it. I found one that seems to go with what Im dealing with so Ive made a commitment to God to follow through with it. Pat also suggested reading Psalms. He said that helps him when he’s feeling empty.
Its hard to be a church leader, which Pat and I are now (we have been teaching a class called Lifes Healing Choices. Its leading up to us leading a Celebrate Recovery program). Its hard to lead when you just have nothing to give.
Anyway, that’s where things stand right now.
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