The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done… well… I don’t know. I like to think of myself as an outrageous person, but in comparison to most, I’m really not. I’m probably rather boring. But nonetheless… I guess I do have some moments that are outrageous to my general character. That being said… the most outrageous thing I’ve ever done, was on my fall break from college, I flew to Madison, Wisconsin.
The reason I say it’s the most outrageous thing I’ve done… is because it was the first time I truly left my comfort zone, so to speak. I went somewhere completely unknown to me… even though I knew in my heart before I left that things weren’t going to work out.
I met him before then… around five years earlier when I went to college for the first time. Then, by some convoluted twist of fate, met again online in a chat room. After we had been talking… we realized that we’d met before, even though we didn’t know each other that well. He was in the police academy and I was in college again… but each of us had something that the other one needed at that time.
I was so unhappy at college… it just wasn’t the right fit for me… but every single day I wrote to him… I think back and I wonder what I said to him. What was in me that I felt that I could tell him? At the time… I felt like I could talk to him about anything. Apparently I did… since I had something to say every day.
It was a hard trip… and it hurt more with every breath I took while I was there. We’d talked of getting married… and he’d started talking to his ex-girlfriend, who he had wanted to marry. I knew when he told me that he’d been talking to her… that I was second. I was the back-up plan in case that didn’t work out.
However… the sex was good. But looking back, it was really pure lust, especially on his part. I did love him wholeheartedly… but sometimes love just isn’t enough… and one person can’t do all the loving.
But I learned a lot from this relationship… and the trip. I learned how to survive the devastation of being second. I learned that I could follow through with what I promised even when I knew it would hurt me. I learned that when I made bad choices and decisions about people, I could survive. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, and it did horribly… it took me a long time to get over him… but I did it.
That sometimes the reason things don’t work out is because there’s something better out there waiting to find us…
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