I don't know how anyone else is perceiving time right now but to me it is freaking flying by and it's not always because I am having fun.
I had a panic attack yesterday. I don't remember the last time I had a panic attack. I remember I had a slight one when there was a snake in my bathroom a few years ago, but I remember the worst one before that was with my ex-boyfriend. Two actually, where I thought I was dying. It was scary. I knew when I woke up today what was happening.
I woke up in that something isn't right state after going to bed with too much on my plate for months. I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and tingly, and my heart was racing. I started freaking out and kept trying to breathe and focus on things around me. It felt like every time I finally got almost back it would start again. I don't think it helped that I was about to walk into a Parent/Teacher conference in an hour and also just woke up.
There was so much truth coming out and truth is what I wanted, truth was what I yearned for. Is it only me who wants that deep connection and that emotional rawness and vulnerability with your partner where you can be completely open and honest and no judgement. unconditional love. I don't think all the truths coming out is what caused it. I think it was so much in such a short amount of time where I thought I processed something because I was good after a week, but in reality, it wasn't.
I realize now that I had processed a layer of those emotions that I honestly think maybe that's where people stop paying attention and thinking they are fine but there's more. I went through waves of so much pain that I wasn't eating, couldn't stop crying, felt so sick, knots in my stomach for days and I just let myself feel it because I was hurt. I felt betrayed in the most vulnerable ways personally. Once that started to ease up, I was filled with this uncontrollable anger. Like I couldn't get it out and I am not really an angry person, but I was so mad at so many things, and I didn't understand why, and it made no sense. After about a week I ended up pretty sick, throwing up for a couple days, stomach literally in more knots and I work through all those emotions again on another level. Clearly, I was getting rid of all of these things that no longer served me.
All the things I didn't say, the things that were never said. I thought yes, I feel so much better about everything now that it's out and in the open and this is what I've wanted, this is a real connection.
Theres more. Theres always more.
I went through a short period of feeling numb for a day or 2 and now I can't help but think what's next? Do all these quick truths and changes allow ourselves to align better together and really have something amazing without karmic ties at this point.
Life as a human, challenging. Yet rewarding.
Such is Life
Namaste. Soul Sprout
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