Brain Dump in scarlet_dragon

The weather here today is screaming fall. Cloudy and chilly. Would really be the perfect day to just read an entire book. I keep trying to get myself back into the swing of reading, it just isn’t holding interest for me at the moment.
I’ve just had a hell of a year. The past 2.5 months has really done me in. I wake up somedays and I’m just generally sad. It’s felt less sad then before but still sad that the intimate half of my marriage is just done with. I get the feeling that it’s me. It always has been. I get that my spouse is probably just not attracted to me anymore in that way. So now when he shows interest in any other women even from an intelligence standpoint I get jealous.
I don’t know it’s a lot to work through and I need therapy and we probably need couples therapy too if I’m honest.
Every. single. time, I try to start working on my shit falls apart elsewhere. So then I’m left to bandaid myself back together for the time being so I can see everyone else to where they need to get to. I think I then get resentful that I’m left here with no one offering to help me. Why does my spouse want to help 1000 strangers on the internet but leaves his wife standing there in a burning fire? I don’t get it.
My kid is sick today. He called off work. I guess thankfully he has tomorrow off from school. Yet again, me trying to navigate things and everyone gets sick. Such in life I guess. I need to figure out if I’m trying to get to my moms house here in like less then 2 weeks. I have no solid plan, nothing figured out and nothing packed. My entire house needs put in order and I need to try and deal with being gone for 2 weeks probably.
This time of the year I want nothing more then it to be less stress and just going with the flow. but every year it proves not to be.
My anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. We usually do a fancy dress up expensive meal but if I have to go to my Mom’s I won’t be here. I’ll miss that and I’ll miss Halloween. Sigh.
I mentioned a few days ago to my spouse how stressed out I feel right now and he kind of helped…more so then he had 3 months ago. I do think he’s trying to be better. I just wish it wouldn’t have come at him being a complete bonehead and breaking me into 10 million pieces in the process.
Me going to my Moms for her surgery involves me probably having to rent a car and drive myself 7 hours one way turn in the car while I’m there and then rent another one to get myself back home another 7 hours. Depending on how long I’m expected to be there that means coming back home with maybe 2 weeks left until thanksgiving and having none of that bought and planned out yet either. I don’t know. The way I’m feeling lately I kind of just want to say fuck it to all those things right now and just eat some random not thought out meal.
I can’t get too down on myself though I did manage to get a few things done this week that had been on the to do list for months. So there’s that. It wasn’t a complete wash. I need to remember those things and to quit focusing on all the tiny things I fuck up.