1: The Double Truth:
Write about a moment where your dad caused hurt - and along side it, a moment where you still felt love or tenderness toward him. What does it feel like to hold both truths at once?
At the end...when I knew he was dying, but was refusing to sign papers for power of attorney or his will. I knew he wouldn't sign because he didn't trust me. Didn't trust me till the end...I was the only person willing to help him and he still didn't trust me. I couldn't leave him though, knowing no one else would come. He would be alone. Confused and dying. He's still my Dad...i still wanted him to not suffer by himself. I remembered that some time ago he had told me that he didn't know how to be with his kids. His mother had done some things to make his life hard.
So instead of getting mad, I asked him to tell me about his mom. I found out in my 20's that my grandpa is actually not by blood. My grandmother had a one night stand while he was away at war...with his brother. Much later, after dad passed, I would come to find out that the people who surrounded them saw this as normal at the time. Women were being left alone for such long periods of time, waiting for their spouses to fight for their country and they would lean on their families for support. My grandma made a support system for herself while she was waiting for grandpa to come home and at a party one night (or many nights, who knows) she made a choice, along with the man making a choice of course....and the results were my dad being born 9 months later.
Turns out grandma had some huge regrets over this, a lifetime of shame chased her everywhere she went and with everything she did. While my dad was young, she spent her every effort making sure he knew that he was not worthwhile because he wasn't born "whole". She consistently made him feel sub human because of the way she brought him into the world. Like it was his fault. She abandoned him at one point...one day he did the same to his family. History repeating itself. She would beat him easily if she wasn't happy with his behaviour and she just basically made his life a very unpleasant existence. She, his mother, taught him from a very young age that you can not trust anyone but yourself in this world.
So, see? I couldn't get mad at him. He was doing the best he could with what he was given. I love him and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I wish there would have been some way I could have helped him heal that trauma...but he never ended up being ready for that healing to take place. I would try for an eternity.
I almost made a short, easy answer for this question...I almost said that no can't relate, I have no answer. But I am here for a reason and it was a good question, so i found an answer...I never thought about this before....I cried hard writing the answer. I feel like I've learned for my Dad again..and I can use this to help me heal some things.
2. Inherited Lessons:
What behaviours, beliefs, or emotional habits did you learn from your dad - both good and bad? Which ones do you want to keep, and which ones do you want to end with you?
I guess I will start with the easy, obvious one I just mentioned. He ran away...a lot...then would barge back in as if nothing happened with no warning. I do not ever want to make anyone feel abandoned. As I was writing that, I reflected on how I left my husband and thought I have some amends I need to make. Turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I will have to make sure to never do that again.
Dad was very closed about speaking his deep inner truths. It kept him from having truly intimate relationships. My mother has always been very much the same way. It made it very difficult to learn how to have proper, healthy communication growing up as a child. I automatically shut down when my feelings get too big too...I avoid fights and walk away. I would love to heal this part of myself and learn how to just speak my truth when it really counts.
I learned that because all we have is ourselves, it means that what we want matters. We should go for the hobbies, habits and adventures we want to experience. Life is for exploring, and is too short to be closed up, avoiding people or experiences. Go, do the thing before its too late...its your life, not the life of others who you're trying to keep happy all the time so they can abandon you at the end when you really need them. They can not save your life when you are dying and help you to have that ice cream you wanted or the dance you desired to learn. Go get it now while you can.
3. The release ritual:
If your grief and anger were an object (A stone, a chain, a storm cloud, etc), describe what it looks like. How would you transform it into something that no longer weighs you down?
If I had to visualize it, I can see my hurts being chained to me, pulling me into the depths of the sea...the dark vast void of the ocean if I allow it to drag me. I spend my life fighting, swimming hard to reach the surface that strangely seems to stay just above my head. I am able to succeed to get air as needed, only enough to survive, but keep getting pulled back down under the water by the heaviness that restrains me.
I need to find some magical bolt cutters to free me from the binds that restrain me here. I do not know where to find those cutters....which would grant me freedom from worrying over all the things. trying to avoid being traumatized in the way i had in the past. Being so ugly to new folks who exhibit similar behaviours triggering me into thinking they will treat me the same way as others who have hurt me so badly in the past. How do people not dwell on this. How does this darkness not hover over every living creature on this planet? If it does...how on earth do they sever their tether?
4. The Quiet Space:
What does peace look like for you today - not a big, eternal peace, but a small pocket of calm in this moment? How can you give yourself 5 minutes of that?
Recently for me peace looks like not constantly fighting tears. I cry a lot these days and have a hard time focusing my thoughts on more positive things. I know this will cycle...it will get easier. The last couple of days, I have been better. This is peace to me, when I can reach my head up through the depths of the despair i was feeling over my dad and breathe some enjoyment from life again. I need those deep free breaths...unrestricted, painless, without hitching. Thank you for deep breathing exercises.
5. Letter to Your Own Heart:
Write to the part of you that still feels loyal to your dad despite the pain. What would you like that part to know about safety, boundaries and self-compassion now?
Dear me, don't worry about what you're going to get in return. Love the people you want to love and don't let go. Show them your vulnerable side until they remove themselves from your life. Others don't deserve to pay the repercussions from other peoples mistakes. Please make the most of every moment while you can. Offer the most love, kindness, gratitude as you can for every delightful piece that life is able to offer you. Don't let fears slow you down.
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