Month in scarlet_dragon

What an entire month it’s been. Aug this day last month until now has been a constant state of up and down. Up and down. I finally told my mother some of what’s been going on. She’s was only about 40% judgmental. She always finds a way to kinda make things feel like my fault. Part of the reason why I didn’t want to tell her about what’s been going on but I also can’t hide it very well.
I was having a bummer evening and crappy morning. I’ll be fine for a few days and then I’ll find myself in the hole of thinking about things and then I get depressed again or some slight thing will happen and I’ll spiral out again. It’s hard because I finally feel like myself and husband are having good conversations, I’m just sorry it had to come at the cost of him acting like he did.
When we sit down and have these discussions I feel better about where we stand. He’s had a complicated life. More complicated than I ever knew apparently. For many years he hid it and just kept running full force. Until it all came crashing down. Now it took 6 years for us to really dig into the hard conversations.
I told him I was really worried about him being here on his own for possibly almost 2 weeks if I go help my mother after her surgery. I feel better about it now I can’t stop anything that may or may not happen, but I do feel like he may have finally understood the weight of some of his decisions have had on me.
Anyways. All of that aside my kid has had a crazy month and a half as well between health issues and doctor visits. Starting his first job, struggling with jr year in HS grade wise. It’s just felt like a lot lately. So yea I may have called my mother to find some sympathy. I struggled with telling her or not for weeks. I may feel slightly better but now I don’t know what she’ll do with that information that I shared with her. I’d hope she’d keep it to herself and that she won’t look at my husband in a different light but she probably will.
In other news I went yesterday and had my eyebrows waxed. I know it doesn’t seem like a thing because I use to get it done a lot about 13 years ago plus. But when covid happened I stopped going to the salon, fell into a bad depression and then just generally stopped caring about how I looked. I’ve had on my grand master to do list since we moved in here to get my eyebrows done and kept putting it off. So I finally went. I’m glad I did. It just feels better. I’m trying. In small ways I’m trying.
I know I’m 40 I should have gotten these things down by now but depression is a bitch. It’s easy to fall into routine and not move forward. Even if I was making my own income after everything that’s gone on between myself and my husband I chose to stay. I don’t want the last portion of our years together to be spent wasting time.
Anywho. I’ve just been trying to process a lot. I’m waiting on all these doctors and hospital visits and such to kick in with the bills I owe. I really wanted to be making a bigger dent into holiday shopping by now. I’ve got next to nothing done. and I’m still waiting on what’s going to be a huge car insurance jump and a new car payment jump. It’s a lot. I’d like to have gotten a few appointments for myself medical wise started but my kid jumped the line and that’s fine. I know I put both of them before myself all the time but it’s just who I am.