I tested writing an entry this morning. I don't think it's been the 3 weeks I was initially told I would have to wait before making a post but I'm going to try again.
My dad is gone...I guess its good I wasn't able to post here in the first days, where I was completely consumed by the grief of losing him. I have come to a lot of deeply unsettling realizations that I don't feel like i can share with people around me.
For example, I spent my whole life, literally from the age of 11 when my parents split up, chasing my dad. trying desperately to have a relationship with him and having him turn away. He lived his life the way he wanted. he had a lot of adventures...everyone else be damned...but then at the end. Oh, at the end, those last 2 years. the start of it he fell and hurt himself quite badly. I fear this is what triggered his downfall...although of course we never truly know. I have huge guilt though, because he hurt his head...and it brought him away from the man I was advocating for. I was trying to rebuild his relationship with my siblings after 20yrs of them blocking him out. His fall, broke his orbital bone and he was never the same after that. This was the beginning of his dementia. He was unable to hold back those comments, the behaviours he had worked so hard to overcome. clearly they were just things that were built into him as a person. its okay. We're not all easy people, he was my dad and I wanted him in my life, until I didn't.
I realize now that he really needed me that moment I turned my back on him. I was always there for him. ready to be near when he was ready to have me...and accepting of his need for distance and silence when he said he wanted that too. In the end..he needed me and I didn't understand the way he was speaking was actually his illness presenting itself. I finally understand.
Why do I have to continually learn this lesson...when people tell me there is something wrong, I have to start listening to them. As a result of not listening to him, I spent a lot of time in the last couple of years, as he was struggling, thinking he was sliding back to the man he used to be. Doing whatever he wanted, showing up without notice and sometimes just leaving random things on my lawn when I wasn't home and he had stopped by unannounced.
Stopping by unannounced. i wish he could still stop by unannounced.
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