i have soooo much to say for this entry it’s actually insane. anyway off of the top of my head, i cried over my ex for the first time in a while. i actually haven’t been sad or cried about it for about a week or so? which is pretty good but i’m kind of scared my mind has been suppressing all of the intense emotions so i’ve kind of made it a point to process it somehow. i have so much stuff to do still for uni but i really want to get this out of my chest before i start so i don’t have anything bothering me internally haha. i cried because i opened up to my senior high school professor (whom i now consider as my friend) and i realized how i never deserved any of that. his nonchalance, how i kept asking and almost begging… i really liked to think i did everything for him. i’m not sad that it’s over—in fact, i’m mostly relieved, thankful, and just happy that it’s finally over and i can move forward with my life with so much ahead of me. like i can finally spread my wings. but i guess i’m just sad because i let myself go through that. i was so blinded by love to even consider my wellbeing and how terribly lonely i felt in that relationship. i want to think the three years of us being together wasn’t completely a waste. but man… i really wanted to make it work. but love just really isn’t enough. i like to think i don’t have feelings for him anymore. i actually don’t know, i don’t feel anything when i see photos of us together anyway. and since breaking up, i feel more and more myself again which is a good thing.
speaking of feeling more like myself again, it’s been a long time since i’ve been sappy for my friends. this time around, i want to dedicate myself into pouring love into different areas of my life. i want to give my love to people who matter to me, to those who were there for me when i was lowest—they know me better than i do. i have a lot of things coming up for the next week so i’m trying to prepare myself in every way (mostly by recharging my social battery, and side note, i think extroverts have a social battery too lol and i’m absolutely drained…or i can feel myself getting drained which is why i have to “prepare” for it). tomorrow (sunday), i’m having lunch at a fine dining restaurant with my family, and then celebrating my friend’s birthday dinner with some of my past dorm mates and the current ones. then on monday, getting dinner but with my friends who are “setting me up” with my happy crush. i’m soooo so jittery for this. i usually know how to approach and talk to people, in fact i’m quite known for being so approachable and friendly. i say hi to everyone and smile even at strangers. but for some reason this crush makes me feel like i want the earth to swallow me whole when i’m in their midst? LMFAO which is… so unlike me. this particular crush just makes me want to run away and hide because i’ll be an awkward mess.
on tuesday, i have to travel to my home province because my best friend is flying back to the country!!! i haven’t seen her in nearly two years and i’m so excited to see her again. i have so much stuff for her :”) and i want to get her some more pasalubongs~ then on wednesday (or maybe thursday) i’ll see her again and maybe another friend to tour her around my condo and just go out!!!! i can’t wait i can’t wait i can’t waiiiit ! i think being single is kind of sad because i think about how much i was wronged, but overall i’m having so much fun because i can finally give love where it matters most. and i can focus on how grateful i am for my friends, family, environment, lifestyle for affording me all of the privileges life has to offer. i’m not the most rich at all but i feel so rich because i get to live life the way i want it to be and i don’t want to have it any other way ❤️🩹! i’m just so loved by everyone and i’m grateful for the gift of friendships and community—i just have nothing to lose when everyone is so so supportive of me :-) and there’s nothing more that i’d want to do but give back the love i’ve received from everyone. also another good thing to share is that although my scholarship got denied, i was offered a part time job. not going into detail for personal reasons but this is such a huge blessing because i can somehow help out my mom, and i’m pitching my friends to intern there too so i can’t wait to learn and grow here too! just so so incredibly blessed for the opportunities and experience. i can go on and on about how loved and blessed i am but somehow, words cannot ever do justice for how thankful i feel for this life.
anyway that’s it for now! maybe a con is i feel so extremely busy lol but i’d rather be busy and fulfilled with where i am even with all of the micro-stresses haha.
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