Hello Again, Everyone.
Firstly, Sorry for not updating you, but in all honesty, I don’t have much to write about. I had a new coach at Restart on Thursday, he’s called Phil, and I would be lying to you if I didn’t confess I thought he was at least a little bit attractive, but I am not entertaining it. Not after he’s witnessed me at what I would consider my worst and most embarrassing state - A Pink Momokakkoii™ Albert the Frog T-shirt, which, despite my use of deodorant (which I sprayed so much I suffocated myself) had sweat patches (gross), and I was redder than a ripe tomato, from how hot I was. For the record, I had been travelling via public transport on a very hot, sunny British day with no Air Conditioning.
Worst thing, if I look remotely any more ‘good’ than I did for my next appointment this Thursday, there is the smallest likelihood he is going to think I’m doing it to impress him or something like that.
Also, secondly, Thursday was my Friend Emma’s 21st Birthday, and I will once again admit that I was very disappointed and sad that she didn’t invite me to her birthday. We’ve been texting for weeks, months before her party. I even sent her a gift and a card, which I bought with my own money and mailed to her house, and she didn’t invite me. Not even a couple of weeks before. No calls. No texts. No nothing.
Then, when I texted her a ‘Happy Birthday’ and asked what she was doing on her birthday, I found out that she’d invited loads of her other friends (that I’m also friends with) and was going out and having dinner and cocktails. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in a sweaty office, embarrassing myself in front of goddamn Phil!
And I know it’s not like I could’ve gone anyway since I had my restart and that’s the priority, but it’s just the fact she didn’t ask me. You know? I was half-assed to be petty and ask her if she wanted to join me and my parents on an Alpaca walk my grandad had bought me for my birthday this Saturday (July 26th) for my own 21st, which we’d do sometime in the week after, we planned to get a Tim Hortons and then go, just to be a little bit petty that I had asked her to do something for my birthday on top of getting her a present and a card.
But then I realised, maybe I was being a little immature, but I’m still feeling petty, and at the most, I’m going to take a shit ton of photos of my birthday week and post them to Instagram to make sure that she sees my week-long birthday celebrations.
Now, moving on, Yesterday was a pretty normal day, but towards 9-10 pm I started feeling very down, like crying myself to sleep type shit. I’m just so fucking lonely, I’d usually have my sister Rachel to talk to about things but I don’t anymore because she’s at Haddon and even if I could tell her I know damn well she wouldn’t listen to me like she used to because she’s got her mental health issues and health to worry about, that and she’s not making sense, and I’d have to talk in person because she doesn’t have any form of technology. After all, she keeps smashing tablets/Phones she’s been given.
So, I have no one. I can’t tell Emma. She won’t understand, and she doesn’t even know about Rachel, not entirely. I can’t begin to tell my parents because they’re already worried about my sister and I can’t guilt them or burden them with my problems, that just makes everything worse, and things are already tense as it is.
And I know that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist anymore, not how I want it to be, but god help me, the things I’d do, just for one moment to go back in time and have one more day before it all changed, to appreciate it and not take it for granted.
Now.
On a more positive note. Like previously mentioned, there are officially 7 days until I turn 21, and like I mentioned, my birthday is being celebrated like I’m royalty because it’s expanding across the week, I’m also 110% going to gain weight, but fuck it!
On Thursday, I’m having lunch out after my Restart.
On Friday, I’m going out in the evening and we’re going bowling before going back home and ordering A Pizza, and then as per birthday tradition, we’re going to a pub and we’re inviting all of the family or as many people as possible and having another meal out and then sometime in the week after that.
We’re getting Tim Hortons (or what my family calls ‘Timmies’) and then doing the Alpaca walk.
And yup! Birthday plans are week-long.
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