More so in myself.
I’ve stayed here too long. I know I’ve been saying that for… well… years, at this point. I’ve been saying I want to move away and always had a plan, but have yet to act on it. Just like my name change. I had a check list at one point, and got a few things done, and then that fell off too. I’m at the point, I think even the cat is disappointed in me. I’m in one of those times that I wish he could talk. I’d love to get his take on where I am in my life. It likely would not be favorable, but I know he’d be honest about it.
Work has been saying for over a year that my truck is “due for replacement”, but that never materializes. “Pick out what you want”. So I did. 3 different times in fact. It was brought up again today, and what was suggested wasn’t even close. I’m not shocked. “It’s an investment in you”. Gee, guess I’m not worth that much. I didn’t say that. I should have. The only reason it’s being brought up again is because after one of their casual “yeah we really do need to replace that thing” comments, I pretty bluntly said I’ve given up on that and am currently looking to buy my own rig. “Oh you can’t do that!” I’ll admit, I got kinda pissed about that one and snapped back that I could, and I was done waiting for empty words to be filled, or something to that effect. I hate the amount of people pleasing I have in me. Sometimes I just wanna show exactly how disappointed and angry I am about this shit. But I don’t. Maybe I should. Maybe I’m handling this too calmly and being too nice about this situation.
I’m their most tenured tech. I may not be the most knowledgeable, but I’m getting closer. I’m a skilled worker and (to my own amazement sometimes) can think creatively on the fly for a solution to a problem. I can troubleshoot shit on the fly without calling tech support a lot of times. I’m the one who gets called with questions. I don’t ask for much either. All my tools and ladders are my own. Some of it isn’t cheap either. And I still want more training. I want to be able to do more. But I’m just not worth it apparently. Not like that’s new.
I think I’m just gonna tell them to punt the replacement vehicle. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know where I stand with them. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m done. Clocked out. Over it. It’s whatever. I’ll buy my own. One more tool to add to my arsenal of “here’s what I bring to the table” on my next job application or CV. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore.
I cannot believe I’ve been stupid enough to allow myself to end up on this situation. I should have left after the last time they fucked me. But no, I bitched and moaned about it quietly and kept right on keeping on, status quo bullshit. To be clear, I’m not blaming them. It’s my fault for allowing myself to end up in this situation. I should never have allowed myself to end up here. But hindsight is 20/20.
I’ll shut up now. Off to facecrook and beggarslist to find a work POS that will be MY work POS.
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