I've had a really tough week. On Tuesday, on my way to theraphy, I've got the text message from my dad saying that I'm an adult now and he doesn't want to support me financially and I need to do something about it. I'm not going to go into the details of this situation but I cried on the way to the theraphy, I cried in the theraphy and then I cried all evening.
The next day I was riddled with anxiety, not knowing what my father has meant. I thought he was totally cutting me off the money and I had to look for the job like right now. I cried the most because of the fact he has sent me the message and didn't have the guts to tell me face to face. At the end of the day, I was so riddled with anxiety I knew I had to call him.
I'm proud of myself because it's the first time I've ever been assertive with my dad. I've demanded he explain the message and expressed that I didn't like he didn't tell me in person and that the next time he should do it that way. I also cried so he apologised and admitted he chose the cowardish way.
But what I've learned through that call broke me and I'm picking up pieces of my broken heart ever since. I'm an artist and my dad has been supporting me in art school and during this year of unemployment, he suggested to support me financially until I find a job. The industry is tough but I found three, good commission projects that I did so it's not like I was unemployed. but I couldn't possibly earn enough to support myself.
He's told me I'm an adult and not disabled like my sister (who has cerebral palsy) and that he gave me a deadline so I wouldn't have to work in a shop. Mind me, it's THE FIRST TIME I'M HEARING IT. He has NEVER BEFORE expressed that there is a deadline to his financial support and that I should give up on my artistic dreams if it won't work out. NEVER. But now in retrospect I see that except the financial support, he didn't really care. He didn't understand that I WAS EMPLOYED when I had the commission. He's a logical man and I guess, not creative at all. But still, it's a lack of empathy on his part.
He also expressed that it's all "for me and he's worried that I should go to office job and see people everyday even if they're horrible because that's good for mental health". That logic is so wrong, I don't even know what to say. Since when is dealing with annoying co-workers, GOOD FOR MENTAL HEALTH? Is he insane? Not to mention that he made me feel like I'm so kind of anti-social freak when all I do is just work from home but I go out and see people. I don't understand what the hell is he on about.
What betrayed me the most and sent me into almost a beginning of a depressive episode is the realisation that he never supported my choice of career. That if was always going to be on HIS RULES. That I could be an artist, only if I'm in the office workig 9-5 somehow. That he never really helped me with my career, that he never understood that working on a portfolio is work too. That he was thinking it sucks ALL ALONG. That the fact my illustrations will be PUBLISHED IN THE AMERICAN BOOK means NOTHING TO HIM. And I know it for sure because my sister confirmed he has never liked creative work and that it was my mom who did.
So I feel a little sad because my mom was paranoid and manipulative but God, did she not fight like a lion for us sometimes. And I believe if my dad has ever tried to do something like this, she would actually stand up for me this once. She always belived in creative work and making a living your own way.
My sister's got my back so I know I'm not without the money completely. But I'll still try to look for a part-time job to support myself because I don't want to ask him for money anymore. I always felt bad doing it but now I don't want to. I think it's dangerous if I'm left on HIS SUPPORT ever again.
But I'm not quitting art and what is funny is that I've felt like quitting the whole year. But then my dad told me to quit and get "a normal job" and IT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH, I AM NEVER QUITTING NOW.
I did get depressed today so I had a bit calmer day for myself and did some self-care. I'm also sad because me and my father had a good relationship these past few years after my mom died and I told him a lot fo my feelings. So I feel betrayed now. And I don't think we'll ever go back to the way we were simply because I've lost my respect for him. He's just a rich, coward who doesn't have enough guts to have a serious conversation with his own daughter. He's 61. He could've learned by now.
I still feel a bit like shit and I will probably feel like it for some weeks. But that's okay. I'm accepting my emotions now like my therapist would want to. I'm writing them down, for example here, instead of letting them bottle up or ignore them. I'm gonna feel bad and that is okay. It will pass.
And it's okay to feel bad after such a betrayal and it is also okay to know that you are going to be okay! I am going to be okay because there are so many people who love and support me that are not connected by blood to me. So I am not alone.
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