I'm not the one to journal, not really. Maybe I'm just too lazy or forgetfull but I could never do it regularly. But on the other hand, I don't have to do it everyday... I guess? I can just write when I feel like it. I feel like it now.
I've liked him for sometime already, maybe since May or before that but I was in denial. I'm in theraphy for trouble with getting into relationships so admitting I actually like somebody was tough. I did admit it though. I've realised I liked him when we were taking a bus together and it took a little longer and I just wanted it to take as long as it could so I would talk to him more. Then every week during our game sessions I'd try to just catch a two minute talk and that's all. For the first time in my life I'm actually acting like a person with a crush and not like an avoidant madman. Kudos to my therapist for that.
Yesterday was like a dream. I've been talking to him about a voluneeting event he is organising and I signed up to donate some stuff. I've texted him about them and he said we can meet so I'll give him the stuff. Like duh, that was my whole evil plan, to use it as an excuse to see him. We agreed to see each other on Monday.
I was stressing the whole Sunday about it and I was trying to figure out how to ask him to go for a walk or spend more time together when we'll meet. In the evening, when he still hasn't texted, I was sick with worry. Thanks to my rejection scheme that still tried to whisper to me that I'll be hurt again. Shut up, Loki, you trickster.
But then he texted me if I'd want to go for a coffee too. So I almost fainted seeing that, I literally fall down on the floor, smiling like silly. We agreed to see each other on 12pm on Monday.
I was in a really good mood, dressing up and doing my makeup with a music. I was really excited to FINALLY have more time to ask him about himself and get to know him. But then when I was in a bus, I've felt the panic rising. Every bone in my body was telling me I should run, that it's better to not even try and be single and that I'm a fool and I'll be hurt again. I know now these thoughts are a lie but it's so hard when this instinct kicks in. All I wanted to do was run away like I always do. But I didn't. And I think at the end of the day maybe who I am is a person who is not running away despite the fear and the fear doesn't define me. I think what I did was really brave of me, considering the traumas I went through. I'm proud of myself.
I've met him and then the worries vanished. I've forgotten how easy he is to talk to and how comfortable I feel around him. We went to the library where I had to return a book and then we went to some shop (he bought me soda) and on a walk to the park. Then we sat in the park for nearly two and a half hours. It didn't feel like this. I knew we were there for long but the talk was so good I didn't care.
We shared a lot of our struggles and family lore. I'm shocked by myself that I managed to open up about my bipolar diagnosis, my mom's death and that I've actually felt alright doing it. I've kept it hidden and ashamed for so long that when I've finally let it float to the surface, it surprised me by how lighter the weight seems. It's really the truth that the more you talk about your pain, the less it hurts. He opened up too. I think he's really much more emotionally healthy than me. Like he said, when he's upset, he calls his friend. Meanwhile while I am upset, I deal with it alone and bother my friends only when it's getting really bad. But maybe it wouldn't get so bad if I shared it. Maybe sharing is a way of making the weight lighter because you are not the only one carrying it. But still, I feel like annoyance if I even tell someone I have a bad mood. It's like in my head, I am not allowed. Probably because I wasn't - I angered my parents if I acted like I had feelings. It was better to be an emotionless statue without any reaction to anything. It helped me now but it's making things harder now. But maybe I can learn to be better. I mean, no maybes. I know I can.
Then we went to eat. We went to this restaurant where his friend was working and he introduced me to his friend. I know it's silly but it made my heart warm because all the other people I've dated were keeping me at distance all the time. They made such a big deal of metting their friends like it's a big step and they were so afraid to do it and I guess I was too. But I see now, it's not a big deal if I don't make it to be. Still, it feels really nice that he did that since it made me feel like I'm good enough to be introduced. Now looking at that sentence you can see how badly I think of myself sometimes. Of course, I'm good enough to be introduced but when you're made to feel like you're not, you are surprised by even the most normal situations. So silly.
The food was really good. We talked about more casual topics now like films and vegetables. Yes, vegetables. He's so funny the way he talked about them. We spent so long there too and started talking about "time to get going" but we obviously didn't want to go. We've decided to walk to my tram stop so we still had a good forty minutes together. We ended up in the shop again and checking out his old school and my old university. It just felt so natural to do these little side quests with him. I didn't fell awkward, not even once.
Then we made it to my stop and he told me he's really happy we've met and he'd like me to go to the volunteering event. But then he added that he'd like to meet me again. Like not for an event, just you know...maybe next date, I guess? I panicked and said something like "I agree" and then went to the tram. I've forgotten to take my phone charger from him and he called me asking if I need that. I said I'll take it from him on Thursday.
I was going home and I felt like I was drugged. I was on dates before and I was happy but I never felt like I was high. I felt like that now. I went to the shopping mall to get some stuff and I couldn't focus on nothing. And the fear didn't even activate, I was just so happy.
I'm so glad I got to know him better. The more I know, the more I like him. He's really an amazing person and I think most importantly he's a good and kind person. What can I say except that a guy volunteering is the hottest thing he can do?
He's also so pretty. I like his hair even when the hairdresser messed them up a bit. And I do love guys in glasses but I've seen him without glasses once and he looked even more cuter.
I texted him after that I thank you for today and good luck with the event. I started overthinking like I usually do but I know my brain is trying to sabotage me. Lately I've been doing everything exactly the opposite of how I usually do it so I just clicked send. He didn't text me until few hours later but weirdly enough I was not anxious. It's really a proof of how theraphy is working because I have major texting anxiety but this time I've managed to pull through it. Maybe because I knew he will answer me and that I'll see him again so it didn't matter when he'll answer. In the past it mattered because the guys just stopped answering all together. So it's also no a surprise I am anxious about that but this time, I wasn't.
And his answer was really sweet. He said he's happy he could get to know me better and he hopes to repeat that meeting. So I pulled all my courage and texted back and I'd like to repeat that meeting too. A short, silly message but for me it's a big step because it's putting myself out there and admitting I like someone kind of to their face. Scary stuff.
Then I went to sleep but I woke up in the morning to some stuff he sent me that we've talked about. We talked a little bit this morning and again it felt...peaceful, comfortable, normal. I didn't panic that I was asleep when he texted, I didn't stop myself from writing what I want to write and I try to not overthink the convo. But it felt good to talk to him first thing in the morning. Idk all this situation just makes me realise that maybe it's all really in my head.
But social media didn't help before. They tell you there are rules, the number of days someone should text you after the date, who should ask who, who should pay, so so so many stupid, useless rules. To not share too much, to not do that or do that to fake being busy and all that bullshit. It's crazy once I quit social media how much I was following that rotten advice. I see now that there are no rules in dating and maybe the reason people are so miserable is believing there are.
That's all for now. I have a theraphy session today and I can't wait to tell her all about this. I bet I'm making her proud. I sometimes think I'm her favorite client because I am really active and working on myself and doing homework. And since February I've done more work that I did last past years. So she's really the best therapist I've ever had. Worth all the money.
I'll probably forget to write here again but whatever. Nothing can stop me today and this week because I'VE BEEN ON A DATE WITH MY CRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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