A few weeks ago, I prayed in a way I’m convinced I have never prayed before, because the result is unprecedented.
For years, I have heard countless testimonies of Christians who, once saved, were completely healed of substance addictions, lust, pride, and fear, and who were completely transformed into new creations as proof of God’s living spirit residing within their bodies.
And for years, I have wondered why the same temptations of my youth, the same deviance of my pre-Christian days, have continued to hold me in bondage, despite my dedicated Church attendance, Bible study, baptism, and worship ministry over the last 8 years.
I was never cleansed of firs of rage, gluttony, laziness, pride, lustful fantasy, and self-gratification. Why? Why wasn’t God healing me? Why wasn’t I changing into a new creation?
I cried my heart and soul out to God some weeks ago. Maybe it was the end of May, maybe it was the beginning of June. I don’t know. All I know is that I have changed into a completely new creation over the past few weeks, and it can only be described as a miracle of God’s grace.
If only I could remember exactly what I prayed, so that this can finally be the testimony I’ve wanted to tell for eight years. I never had a testimony, because I don’t think I was actually saved!
Can we be truly saved without being truly surrendered? I don’t think so. Part of my prayer entailed my asking God to save me. Part of it had to do with confessing to God that I was NOT fully aware of the importance, power, and deity of Jesus at my baptism. I asked God to forgive me of that, because I had agreed to accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior without really knowing what it meant.
Another aspect of my prayer had to do with confessing every sin that I had ever committed, and that included me saying “and every sin that I am not even aware of.” I also asked God to reveal those sins to me, that I might never again commit them and grieve His heart.
Another of my prayer involved my asking for God’s forgiveness over me in the form of Jesus’ pure, unblemished, clean blood, that I may FINALLY be made right with God. And I also told Him that I accept His forgiveness for every sin I’ve committed and thanked Him for His forgiveness, patience, and His everlasting, unconditional, unchanging love.
I told him that I forgave everyone in my life who has trespassed against me, my father in heaven, and may forgive me. I told him that I surrender everything to Him, withhold NOTHING from Him, and that I relinquish EVERY idol. I told Him that I understand now that I cannot be made right by allowing a stronghold in my life, and that Jesus’ blood breaks every stronghold over me and sets me free.
And I asked God to tear out from me and to destroy every evil, demonic spirit or entity that had a hold over me and/or my household, and to set me free by the blood of Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah, my Lord and Savior, the master of my life, my teacher, my High Priest in Heaven, my hope for the future.
I asked God to please remove the veil from my eyes and heart and allow me to fully know Him. I asked Him to set me on a righteous path, to keep His hand of grace upon me always, and to speak to me that I may grow in spiritual wisdom and glorify Him.
I told Him that I’ve noticed the musical gift He gave me slipping away…that I’ve had difficulty singing notes and phrases that were once effortless for me. I told him I wouldn’t waste the gift anymore. I told Him that I no longer want any credit for anything I do on stage, and I only want to live to glorify Him so others may be drawn to His beautiful light and be saved.
I begged him to tell me what I needed to do to show Him full surrender. He told me to throw away the things that caused me to sin, and I did…however, I’ve done this before, and I ended up just purchasing those things again.
But this time feels particularly different. I no longer feel like I am holding anything back or missing out. Rather, I feel no inclination, no desire, no interest to return to those temptations, or to commit those sins. It says if it is completely ripped out of me, as if it was never a part of me, as if the last 40 years have been completely wiped clean.
With God’s help, my anger has drastically dwindled down. I’m noticing slight twinges of annoyance before it gives birth to anger and causes me to sin. Rather than blast fire, I am communicating calmly and rationally to rectify situations. If I’m not immediately calm, my mouth and mind quiet quickly and I am hearing people better and clearer than I have…possibly ever. I’m genuinely interested in hearing the other side. I’m more concerned with reaching and maintaining peace, and responding in dignity and love.
I’m also finding it much easier to assert an opinion, even if it is different from the others, and to request assistance when needed, because I’m not shameful anymore. I’m ALLOWED to exist. More than that, I was called and chosen and delivered by the One True God. I am known by the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and omnibenevolent Creator of all things seen and unseen. He has called my name and given me new life.
Scriptures that never made sense to me before are now making complete sense to me. Scriptures that seemed like senseless filler/background noise are suddenly blinking and screaming at me in vivid color. It’s like, all the little pieces I was missing are fitting together to illustrate God’s story in vivid detail.
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