Am I Mental Alcoholic or Just F'ed Up? in Thoughts

I was sitting here thinking that I wanna drink. It's been a hard day and it won't be over until close to midnight. Working a regular nine-to-five job and then working for myself on top of having a family can be exhausting.<o:p></o:p>

I'm so tempted to just get up put ice in a glass and pour myself a drink. But I don't do that because I don't drink on the weekdays. I don't drink when I have to go into work. So that leaves me only one night to enjoy myself and have a drink.<o:p></o:p>

I came to the realization that I could be a mental alcoholic. When I'm stressed, I wanna drink. And when I'm happy, I wanna drink. And so help me, when I am enraged, I need a drink. I don't, but I could.<o:p></o:p>

Here's the problem. I could be an alcoholic genetically. The majority of my family began drinking in their early teens. My first drink was given to me by my father, and I was 8. It was the nastiest Budweiser I've ever had in my entire life.<o:p></o:p>

What should have deterred me didn't.

I went to visit family and now I'm a little older and they were having a house party. So what did we do? You guessed it, we swipe a bottle and a couple of cigarettes.<o:p></o:p>

The bottle wasn't filled so we knew they weren't going to miss it and the fact that they were all shit face and didn't notice what we were doing helped. We all took a healthy go and finished the bottle. The most that happened is that we had the giggles when we returned to the house. As far as the cigarettes I think we all took like 3 puffs and threw them away, thinking we were looking cool.<o:p></o:p>

Fast forward and I start dating an older guy. He was cute. He knew all the right words and he did the one thing that my mother cherished him over. He bought an expensive bottle of rum and gave it to her as a gift. My mother's not a drinker but she knows quality.<o:p></o:p>

That relationship ended very quickly. Did I get a taste of that rum? Nope.<o:p></o:p>

There are three important times in my life that I can punctuate with alcohol. The first one was almost dying in a car that my father was driving drunk. I was 12.<o:p></o:p>

The second one was the best sex I've ever had. I remember the taste of him mingled with alcohol. So addictive.<o:p></o:p>

The 3rd and final time that alcohol was involved in copious amounts was at the memorial service of my eldest son.<o:p></o:p>

So I guess the only thing that is keeping me in complete check is working, and the fact that I don't want to be like my father. The man was truly an alcoholic, and he died from it.<o:p></o:p>

Hmm I think you can also call me sadistic since I have expensive bottles of liquor in my house that tempt me every second of every day. I don't drink any of it unless it's that one day I get, and even then, I have that little voice in my head saying, “Did you really need this to feel good, or do you just think you need this to feel good?”<o:p></o:p>

I have no idea why I decided to post this today. Actually, I do because at this particular moment I wanna drink. I won't though.<o:p></o:p>