Sunday, 10/12/14 8:52pm
Seems surreal that this is my life. The last two night I’ve been haunted by your face again. It seems like the more I let go in reality, the more you hold on subconsciously. What I would give for some proper closer. Each time I see your face in my dreams, the more I wish I would see your face when I wake up. I could actually feel your touch last night, something I haven’t felt in so damn long.
I’m pathetic.
I’m not sure if it’s you I miss or the having someone I miss.
Yes, I’m still angry – the fact that you still blame me for everything that has happened.
I’ve thought a lot the last few days if I could ever see myself getting back together with you. God, you have to pay for what you did to me. Something in me hit a chord, with Aruba again. You took someone on my trip – twice. You cheated on me – twice. What the hell kind of person are you? That right there doesn’t scream ‘good guy’. It makes me think, “what the hell was I thinking?”
That is not the kind of person that I miss nor the kind of person that I want to spend my life with. This much I do know. Its taken me some time to actually come to that point.
I think consciously this is helping me get past all the hurt and fully accept everything that’s happened. I don’t have any other reasoning behind how I’m feeling.
I will say, I don’t like seeing him in my dreams. It makes me miss him in my most vulnerable state. That’s not fair. He’s never played fair, but I’m not in the mood to fight. I’ve thrown in the towel.
I just want the dreams to stop. I just want to move on. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t want to keep wanting him when I know I never will again…e
And the last thing that I said to him in my dream last night when he kissed me and told me to wait for him in his room is…”I don’t want you to change your mind.” And he looked at me and smiled.
Apparently that’s my biggest fear because that’s what he did to me already. He changed his mind about wanting to be with me and loving me, I just don’t want to go through that again.
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