You are embarrassed of me,
And I am embarrassed of myself for having ever been okay with that.
I want someone to gaze upon me without doubt, constriction, reproach, to be in love with me without shame, disquiet- to choose me with ardor and conviction.
I am no sin for which to repent
I am no stain for you to wash away
I am nothing to be hidden
And I am certainly nothing to be forgotten
Why so carefully avoid my eyes?
How to be reduced to wound when all I wish is to be your armor! Cut I so close that you must retreat from my blade? Wherefore then do you allow this distance, a hair's breadth?
Take me in without constraint, or cast me far without regret.
This romance in limbo is no romance. What farce our bond that yokes my soul and crowns your cruelty!
Why do you love me so hatefully?
And why after all this must I believe in true love? Its essence I seek in everything, searching even where it is not to be found, planting it in barren places ne'er meant to be cultivated, lamenting it whence it has not gone for 'twas ne'er there. Oh guilty I plead; I am guilty! I am a perpetrator of belief! I am a butcher of faith! In vain I take my chances and distort them into grotesque shadows of opportunity. I am a menace for decking the future with lavish splendor and adorning it with improprious laurels. A fantastical design I ruin, only for myself, with the brushstrokes of the reality of time.
Am I a kingdom so frail? That I am without ruler until I find a man to place atop its throne- be I not the master of my own lands? Must wait I desperately to anoint its next despot? Pathetic. I am weak. Desolate. A kingdom without a king. The upheaval in my heart only confirms these strange conjectures.
How could you be so ignorant to these leagues below your feet when they call with love your name!
I imagine your frustration.
Do you imagine mine?
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