Emily was very present yesterday. I believe she’s triggered because of his avoidance and feels abandoned-like she did something wrong. She wanted to sit in the sun with a blankie and watch the cars and people. She wanted to be with Hershey and to hug Bella. She notices the safe men in our lives right now-guy friends that are supportive.
Good morning and Good night. He doesn’t initiate anything, so it truly feels like this is over. Had we been following protocols, I would have broken two already…but nobody is counting. If he can’t flex with me and accept that my sides want/need different things, we both will be unhappy. Temperance and eight of pentacles were what I pulled about our future energy together…moderation and hard work. Maybe there’s hope, but when he pulls away, it doesn’t feel good.
I can’t visualize Caleb being around much longer in the story. The plot is playing out that he finds another submissive and kind of abandons them. Max asks if he was enough for her even without Caleb’s hardcore kinks. He’s seeking reassurance and acceptance, which Mandy provides. He tells her that if anything were to happen, she would stay with him. He calls her his and tells her he loves her. We’ll see what happens. I get one sentence or word answers from my Caleb in my life now. I just feel foolish for letting it go so far :( I invited him over last night just to enjoy his company in any way and he declined. I’m sorry for voicing my needs about the intensity and anxiety with the punishments.
I’ve decided not to do squirrels this year because I want some early sunrises out on the way, at the farmers market, on my bike…just another four hours of my weekend to do anything. Maybe that’s selfish…maybe it’s a disconnection from mom. It’s not my intention.
This next personal cycle, I’m going to make efforts to check in with my parts and ask for what they want and need. I love my Mandy part, but letting her lead everything ends up in situations like this.
Positives:
figuring out how to do my taxes on my own
Emily coming out :)
letting myself rest with low iron at this time
feeling in control knowing I can return to weight watchers if needed
thinking of Max and his energy that is already her in my life
May tells Mandy, “It’s going to be more than okay” :)
love
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