Hi,
Today my word if comfort is going to be Resilience because no matter what i go through i somehow make it out and manage to be okay. When i was about 18 i turned to drugs everyone was doing them soo i became apart of everyone. Some of my friends didn’t use and stopped hanging out with me while others encouraged me to use.. this was a cycle that became a coping thing,. It’s how i coped with being a mom at 18 to a child with special needs, I had a boyfriend that did not know how to keep his dick in his pants and i kept staying because i thought i deserved that I thought i would never get better then that.. I was a young mom i didn’t want to be the statistic of single mom didn’t know what she was doing…
The reality is I wanted to get pregnant when i did i thought it would be nice to have baby someone to love me unconditionally.. I felt like i didn’t matter i felt last place in everyones lives.. my friends, my families, my boyfriends.. I felt like i was everyones backup plan and i had to settle for it.. my heart pure as hell i am there for everyone always i don’t know how to not be there even when i say i will never do this again i am right there doing that thing.
The very last time i ever touched drugs other then weed or shrooms was 2009.. In dec 2009 my then roomie and i had a get together in decemeber it had been awhile since i used i wasn’t an all the time drug user but i did enjoy the times i got to use.. anyway my roomie and i did these pills they were speed and something else.. the come down from that was out of this world and scared me into never using again honestly.. mainly because i was not willing to lose my child but also because i was scared to lose the life i had. I did end up turning to alcohol i mean at that point i was a weekend alcoholic and that never changed i enjoyed living my best life on the weekends.. my child was never with me on the weekends and never with me when i used drugs either.. anyway my life changed in 2011 when i fell pregnant with my second child.. I quit drinking and drinking was never the same for me after that however i am able to be a social drinker and not ever go over board don’t ask me how i managed it but i did. i think i have strong will power..
2011 is when i began my unhealthy relationship with the internet it’s when i joined that imvu game it’s when i started dating online and not really focusing on real life.. I thought the people inside the game understood me better then anyone in real life.. that i seen everyday plus i always felt like i didn’t matter soo it was easy to become addicted to a world where attention is at your finger tips… that relationship with the online world has really been off and on it’s not the best but i don’t think i will ever give it up it’s the one place i feel somewhat valued but when life is shitty it really sucks me in and becomes quite toxic.. Aug 2020- Jan 2024 i was quite absent in the online world only really being on once a week or a couple hrs if my then boyfriend was working nights.. 2024 my life fell apart at the seams.. I left my relationship but by the time i left i was already sucked back into the online world right after i left my relationship my step dad died. now to put this into perspective 2022 I lost my oldest sons poppa btw i was close to him he had been in my life since i was 14 and exactly 6mnths later my grandma died.. I really didn’t know what to do with myself i avoided it… sunk myself into life we had a family trip i avoided life.. in 2023 my online bestfriend died was a shitty day that was i still miss her to bits and feel guilty for being more absent but she was sick and her death was out of everyones hands… then 2024 the death of my 4yr relationship and my step dad..
I fell off the deep end i started living online, i started hibernating in my bedroom i was not the greatest parent i didn’t know how to handle myself no one knew because i never let anyone in the only person i had was Tre and we had such a toxic relationship but yet i was dependent on him.. he adored me and the attention i gave him however i lost myself trying to be perfect for him and avoiding my life i am soo done i can’t anymore.. i started feeling better at the end of 2024.. the start of 2025 Tre no longer wants to be my boyfriend we are navigating being in eachothers lives it’s very weird.. my relationship with the online world is fading out abit because i want to focus on healing and getting better.. I am eating healthier I am thinking of myself and i am going to put in the work and time.. i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i am again walking towards it that is Resilience to me.
I can’t shut out the feelings of not being enough for people or that i am the last choice but what i can do is wake up every morning and make myself my own first choice. this is a slow road i am aware i am starting off small and prepared that this journey will likely go into next year but hopefully every season just gets better and the next fall down isn’t as hard.
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