Content warning: (indirect brief mention of) suicidal ideation
Getting the flow of words started is often the hardest part.
The routine of journaling is starting to seemingly help more often now. Maybe it helps because at least then thoughts can spill out onto digital paper instead of sloshing around sickeningly in the skull. Maybe it’s the fact that a journal cannot misunderstand, save for the words that are write-in in the rung ways. A digital paper cannot judge.
Yet. Unless there’s an LLM API for whatever particular app. Even then, it’s likely just a “Chinese room” if it becomes convincing enough. Who knows what constitutes consciousness anyway; what would Motoko Kusanagi say?
I think about killing myself less and less often but it seems to come in waves. I was thinking a lot about it probably around Friday through Monday. come Tuesday (today) I have done the whole treatment rigamarole again. I’m not sure if correlation is causation, but the correlation for improvement seems rather close.
I can’t stop worrying about money. Money is the only thing that is on my mind so much of the time whenever I’m not thinking about suicide, applying to jobs, or sticking my head in the sand (distraction, dissociation, nepenthe, or otherwise).
I feel like my economic situation is hopeless having applied to so many jobs. Today I applied to a job and it turned out that I already applied to that same job three months ago and never got called for it. When I had tried to follow up three months ago, I was put on hold for 15 minutes. After calling again nobody picked up.
What are they doing having a position open for 3 months but not hiring anyone? This is probably evidence of The Boss saying that they will hire more help and posting it just to put the worker’s minds at ease, but then refraining from hiring anyone to save money on staffing. Either that or whoever got hired for the job last time I applied left very quickly afterward and they had to repost it, which also isn’t a good sign. Though wouldn’t that mean that it would be posted as a new job with different references built into the web application? I don’t get why the position says I had applied so long ago and yet it had not reset.
Hopefully, maybe, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I followed up with them again and made sure that they had my resume physically in their hands gosh darnit! As if even that matters nowadays, but it was worth a shot.
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