Accept me. in A new beginnging.

These couple of weeks.

I don’t even know the right word to explain it.

I have been thinking about him, about the pain he must have been in, about all of the people that didn’t see it. About the people that might have seen it and thought that it was nothing. That thought that it would get better.

It has scared the shit out of me.

Before I heard the news of his suicide, the things that had been going on it my head.

And now I have told 3 people. My sister, my counselor and Cynthia at work.

I can’t even write what my sister said to CONVEY the feelings that it made me have. The disappointment it made me feel in myself. “eating healthy and exercising makes me feel better” “I mean I get sad sometimes but then I go and do something and snap myself out of it” “I don’t trust counselors, they all just work for the insurance company”

Wha…what?

I am your sister.

I am telling you that I am scared and that I SOUGHT THIS OUT. I ASKED her to give me the test. I am the one who has been TRYING HARDER THAN EVER to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

So now I am 2 1/2 hours away from finding out. I just took my “assessment” to see if I am bipolar.

I am done with the excuses.

Except me.

Last updated November 04, 2014