Every time my spouse goes to bed, I have angry conversations, with no one, but often imaginary conversations with my mom or aunt or both. And they always end in a (whispered) screaming fit. It is quiet time, so I know better than to actually scream, but I guess it’s just intense whispering, but full of pure, fiery anger.
How did this fit get brought on? Well, as a fairly new hobby, I have taken up embroidery. And I’m honestly stalled on many projects that I have started, but I had saved in my Etsy wishlist, a potential project for my aunt. She is an artist, so it was an embroidery project of a paintbrush, and some floral patterns on it.
But then, an imaginary scenario pops into my head. Presenting my aunt with the finished product. Her scoffing at it. Her either verbally or non-verbally telling me she is not satisfied with it. That it doesn’t matter. That it’s nothing to her. She’s an artist and master crafter! She could have done something like that in her sleep.
But then here I am. Standing in front of her, giving her something I spent so much time and energy on. Something I did because I thought it was a cool and creative design. Not to mention something that was within my novice ability to do. I did this not really thinking about if it is useful, but simply because it was thoughtful. That I learned a new skill that I am pleased with and wanted to share with my supposed “loved ones.”
So then of course, in my imagined scenario, I suddenly snap. I get angry. Why? Oh it wouldn’t have just been because of that moment. It brings up years of suppressed anger at how nothing I do is ever good enough for them. How I could do the nicest and most thoughtful things for them, and I often did over the years. It’s never been good enough, and they’ve never given a single fuck about me. So the anger was not born out of one singular gesture, but the anger of all the times I was dismissed and admonished for doing something nice for them.
I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to desperately go no contact with them. I have wanted to for a long time. I think I worry the most about the repercussions of doing so, if they will try to make my life more complicated by completely cutting them out. It’s honestly why I find it hard to cut anyone out of my life. I don’t want it to come back to haunt me later, I don’t have the willpower to deal with it.
So why am I doing projects for them? Why do I even have the idea to do projects for them? I oscillate between “Because I still have a heart and I love doing crafts no matter who it’s for” and “I don’t even know why.” Perhaps burning myself on the hot stove is a familiar feeling, and now that I have a spine, I want to have a final showdown with them so I would have a “last straw” moment where I can finally go no contact with them and have a good reason to. It’s really hard to say.
I harbor so much frustration and anger and I really have no outlets for it, except to whisper scream to scenarios that haven’t happened, or just write about it, I guess. I worry it will never get resolved until I can have some closure with them. Who knows if it will actually happen or not. I don’t plan on visiting them anytime soon, I think they know to some degree that I keep them at a reasonable distance. But I think I’m attached just enough that it keeps bringing up past traumas over and over, every time I get a text from them, and every time that I keep getting notions that I should do a project for them. Always hoping it will be the one thing I do right in their eyes. Fat chance.
Now I need to try to calm down before I go to bed, so I’m gonna watch some streams, wind down with some ASMR vids, and maybe not do embroidery tonight. Too riled up.
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