. in A new beginnging.

I don’t even know what to title this entry.
I don’t even know how to start it or where I want it to go.
I have had zero contact with Josh since May. None.
Have I wanted to text? Have I wanted there to be something? At times, yes. But I knew the feeling that would swell up in my guts if I ever did send it. The regret and the disappointment in myself.
So I never did.
Yesterday I was on facebook and a notification popped up in my inbox. I saw his name and my heart fell into my stomach.
Then I saw what it said:

“Tim killed himself. Thought you might want to know.

That’s it.

Tim was Josh’s roommate in the dorms when we went to St. Cloud. He became a mutual friend. However I didn’t see him much when Josh and I moved in together, and when I left St. Cloud, I blocked all of those people. Cut ties.

This news still shook me.

But my brain put that piece of it out for a minute.

Then I let myself feel the full weight of what was happening here.

I mean, are you fucking kidding me man? I knew you for almost 5 years, I KNOW how your mind works. And you almost got me. I almost sent the, “Oh my god that is terrible. Are you ok??”

But my fingers froze. I didn’t even fully open the message, so he can’t tell that I have read it.

I know he wants me to respond. I know being that vague was him basically giving me enough rope to hang myself.

But on the flip side, I know how he is feeling about this. He is going to smoke more weed then usual and push everyone away for awhile because he doesn’t know how to deal with things, and he doesn’t know how to let anyone in to try. Except to just let them completely mother him, not to actually help him.

That message could have been written a hundred different ways. ‘I know it has been awhile but something terrible happened…‘ ‘I just heard that Tim committed suicide, I don’t know what happened, but I wanted to let you know. Hope you are well.”

I mean something other that “Tim killed himself. Thought you might want to know.”
Like as vague as, “It’s raining outside. Thought you might want to know.”

So after I saw the message, I took a xanex and called my mom. She calmed me down and then the numbness took over and I just didn’t care.

That wore off by the time I woke up this morning. My head was fucked up. I can’t believe that he is gone, that he killed himself. Even though it has been years, I still have sadness for the pain he must have felt, the pain that people just must not have seen.
I haven’t known anyone that this has happened to.
It scared me for reasons that I am not ready to write yet.

I want to email Josh the pictures that I have of the 3 of us, but I can’t bring myself to out of fear. Out of anxiety and sadness.

I want my counselor to email me back so I can know how to process all of this. So I know what is ok to do.

My sister told me she thinks I am going to crack and reach out to him.

I am numb again so it will all be ok until the morning.

Last updated October 27, 2014