Content warning: suicide, drugs
I’m having the KMS thoughts again lately (thoughts, just thoughts).
A has my bolt. And the other gun is A’s now, and I sold my handgun as well… I still could use a cordage or rope and perhaps pilfer a lawn chair for (well, you know).
I won’t, though.
Even the thought of how either a stranger or loved one would be affected by the body (“refuse”) that would be left behind… That’s often been enough to keep me alive now that the new med has been helping; what of some poor housekeeper in a hotel witnessing my ode to a piece by Jackson Pollock? “Mediums: Shotgun + Brain + Shower Wall”.
It’s weird because at times I find myself wanting to die but at least now there are other times that feel like they aren’t completely fubar and I find myself smiling for the first time in a long time as of late. I am recognizing progress but it feels like a snails pace… and one step forward, one step back.
The irritability and oversensitivity with noise and light is confounding me sometimes. Though my taste seems duller than last year. I think noise and light tend to act as magnifying lenses for mental overstimulation and / or extremely heightened anxiety. I don’t know why.
And then what is the point of life, anyway? To do good? To have fun? To stay connected to the people around us? To live, I suppose.
The existential angst in me says nothing matters, but it’s the absurdism that says “fuck it, let’s get high” because the world is too hard to raw-dog without copium, life without some level of sticking one’s own head in the sand is almost impossible to endure. I have to figure out when too much information is more than enough. News sources and factual information are getting more and more difficult to discern appropriately and quickly enough to actually matter in the age of DeepFakes and otherwise, much of it is uselessly clickbaity and unverified information. I wouldn’t doubt that a lot of text generators are already being used to write shit-tier articles. Trans people being used as political scapegoat pawns for ragebait issue votes, war still in the middle east just a different part of it now… Oh, no wait that’s been going about 80 years. Propaganda; advertisements are a near unavoidable part of life. Ad-tracking: I got depression ads more and more frequently to the point where it was creepy and invasive. Now I am using duckduckgo (slightly better than brave so far IMO). And I’ve used a VPN ever since an online SI help service sent police to my door without my consent or knowledge. My partner M got a Miner Botnet (Alrucs) and some other pup and Trojan a while ago and I just finished the rip and rebuild (because Windows 10 defender didn’t catch any of these, including Alrucs, and I cannot rule out a keylogger easily). Or maybe I should go through the pain of using Linux at this point; just yesterday a Windows update asked me to either set up a sign-in or be reminded three days later -with no option to decline.
Technology honestly makes me feel a little paranoid now.
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