Reach up for the Sunrise... in My Life...

So I am starting this diary now because I am starting a new chapter of my life. I have recently graduated Uni and am now am looking for work and see this as a beginning.
Being a counsellor is something that I have wanted to do for a long time and while I have graduated this doesnt mean that the learning is over. If anything I think that the real learning begins now. I have completed over 150 hours at this point but am constantly learning and adapting my style and know that this will continue for many years. I work with 2 particular client bases at the minute, one being people with Mental Health issues and the others being victims of Sexual Violence and Domestic Abuse. This work is hard and can in fact be downright horrifying but as well as really feeling that I am doing something worthwhile I am also getting a lot out of it myself.
The training to become a counsellor is intense and emotional and to be honest I struggled a lot with the personal development stuff. You are basically broken down only to put yourself back together again knowing as much as you can about yourself. While I have always felt that I knew myself quite well it become apparant that I didnt and some of the things that I have learned were not good.
I threw myself into it and while I feel that I know myself a lot better, I am surprised when I am constantly finding things out. Even today, I had a supervision session (basically counselling for counsellors) and having just started with a new supervisor was asked a question that made me realise something new about myself.
To become qualified most courses require you to undertake personal therapy and while they only required 20 hours on my course I am still seeing my counsellor after 2 years because I want to work on myself and feel that I am still getting a lot out of it.
While I was doing the courses I experinced a lot of ups and down and while I thought that this would level out once I finished this has been the opposite. At the minute I feel that I am having a really intense period of growth and am seeing some real changes in myself.
I had a 3 month apraisal with one of my bosses this week and she gave me some advice that will stick with me for a long time. She said that I just need to be ok with me.” Sounds simple but I wonder how many people are actually alright.
Its funny, when people meet me they think I am confident as anything and very happy and while this is true to an extent the truth is that my self esteem is pretty low. I have always thought I was bad news, damaged goods, a person that people wouldn’t like or want to have anything to do with if they knew the ‘real me.’ This is why I am still in therapy myself and actually I have come a long way. I see now that the bad things I have done, the things that make me this ‘bad person’ were just coping mechanisms and considering some of the things that I have been through, were actually pretty tame.
I am sure I will go into more depth about my past in writing here but for now I don’t feel that these things are important. If anything I don’t even regret these things anymore because I feel that these things make me who I am and are some of the things that are going to make me so good at what I do.
When it comes down to it counselling to me is all about self esteem and I know what it is like to be rock bottom. I can sit in front of someone and listen to them and know that no matter what is going on, they can get better, because I have.
I am a testament to what I do and I show that you can change. To be honest I was damaged and probably still am but I wake up each morning with a smile and feel life is something to be valued. I find the beauty in the simplest things and cannot wait to see where life takes me.
I love the fact that I can be someone that helps people help themselves and am humbled everytime I sit in front of a client and am let into their inner worlds.
As you can probably tell, today I am having a good day but not everyday is like this, sometimes I have bad days but if you would have known me 5 years ago you would not believe how far I have come.
But for now, this is the next chapter and I have decided to come here because I want a record of it. I love nothing more than reading my old entries from OD because it shows me just how far I have come and I look forward to doing the same with these entries in a few years. If my entries help someone or bring a smile to someone then all the better, but for now, this is for me.
Everyone needs somewhere to be themselves and to just be honest and this is going to be the place for me…