To Leave Unnoticed, Leave Nothing Behind. in And The Rest.

The walls are always too close at the moment, so close they’re crushing my ribs and I can’t breathe. I’ve always thought I was here on a short-term visa, on borrowed time; I was born flawed, born broken, with pieces missing.

I don’t know how to get out, I just want to be free of myself, my head is too heavy for my body and I can’t hold it up.

So it creeps across my mind like a bird behind shadows, always circling, I’m always thinking. But suicide is such a statement, so much drama, so much left behind. I pretend so well, I lie so fluently, I would leave too many questions. I’m not an attention seeker, if anything I back away from too much attention, I don’t want to be talked about. I don’t want people left feeling they have my blood on their hands for not knowing, I don’t want people left feeling that they should have tried to save me from myself, I was never worth saving. I just want to disappear as though I never was.

Sudden adult death syndrome, an undiagnosed heart defect, they are real, they happen to people. People who want to be alive, people who are missed. Life always chooses the wrong victims. I dream all the time about it being out of my control, a drunk driver, a car crash, an accident that would swallow me instantly and make me nothing.

I believe in nothing. Religion means nothing to me, I don’t believe in souls, reincarnation, afterlife, heaven and hell. I see everything in black and white, and this too; there is nothing after this, you just stop existing. Scrape my broken body off the tarmac and chuck it six feet under, I’ll never be aware of it because I will just be free.

I heard this thing today; if you fall down you should never let anyone else pick you up, you have to pick yourself up. I never heard it before but it is the story of my life, shaking off the hands of anyone who tries to reach me, pushing them away because I don’t ever want to be responsible for pulling them down with me. A thousand times over, I would rather stay on the floor than admit I can’t get up alone.

Some things are just broken beyond repair, it’s not worth the pain of trying to put them back together. Just let me go and leave me be, leave me to figure out my own way of fading away in silence.