Still No Words in Magical Realism
- Oct. 23, 2014, 5:33 p.m.
- |
- Public
My dad passed away last Monday. My dad.
My sister found him in his chair in the morning, resting peacefully. I went up to my parents’ house as soon as I heard, then the visitation was on Thursday, and funeral mass/burial was on Friday. I’ve been away for work since Sunday night now and still not even close to processing everything. Anything. In some ways it’s business as usual, in some ways, I am surprised to see myself moving, typing, talking to people like a normal functional human.
The big things, the things I dreaded, like lowering him into the ground or putting white roses on the casket, were maybe easier than I thought. It’s the little things that sneak out of nowhere and break my heart. At the Cornell campus store and burying the instinct to buy him a sweatshirt, because there is no one to wear that sweatshirt, anymore. Seeing my contacts in my cell phone for “Mom and Dad,” need to edit now because there is no Dad anymore.
Saw so many relatives and friends from so many years ago. My uncle is the oldest of three brothers, and outlived them all. My beautiful cousin Diane, who I always looked up to. All my dad’s old work partners, some drove up from Florida as soon as they heard. Everyone from the pool club. Saw the first guy I ever kissed. The neighbors. The guy who used to drive my dad to his cancer treatments. Wished so hard we all got together on happier occasions. We never will.
Being mistaken for my sister, one million times. My sister telling me she was confused for me, the other million. Me crying every single time someone told me how much he talked about me. Me crying in public. I would not have believed it if you told me before it happened.
At the wake and at the funeral, the NYPD brought me to tears so many times, the ceremonial clicking of the heels and the goodbye salutes. The presentation of the folded US flag to my mother by a strong jawed officer. What a tough job he must have. My sister and I did readings at the funeral. Me the Old Testament, I held it together and gave a sober, meaningful reading, but only after tripping and almost wiping out on the altar. My sister did the New Testament reading, tearful and sniffling throughout. Sometimes the body works, but the mind betrays. Sometimes it’s the reverse. My heart was breaking for her as I watched her up there, wanting to hug her, comfort her. In some ways I know there is no consolation for this. But we only have each other.
I think most of all I feel bad for my mom, my brother, my sister. Walking up the steps of my childhood church holding my mom’s hand as she walked behind the coffin of the man she’d been married to for 44 years, and loved for more than a decade before that. Over half a century together. How do you go on?
How did she walk down the same aisle she walked down as a bride, the same church where she baptized all of her children. The priest my dad never liked, because no one could ever understand him. So many memories. Holding on to my sister’s hand, as we both cried and walked down the aisle. I am sorry my dad won’t be there to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. I am sorry that my brother has to be so strong, handle all the departmental stuff, the brotherhood stuff, my dad was so proud of him.
Red eyes behind sunglasses in bright sun, watching the hearse drive away. One day maybe I can write about this, about him. A couple of old entries written on key dates about my dad are included here. I need to keep close something that captures even part of the person he was.
In many ways, everything I’ve ever done in my life was for myself and myself alone. In other ways, everything I’ve done in my life was to make him proud.
Last updated November 21, 2014
Red ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh no. Oh, love, I am so sorry to hear this. So much love to you and your family.
lessoff ⋅ October 23, 2014
sorry for your loss.
leonalia ⋅ October 23, 2014
Found you on the home page. So sorry for the loss of your Dad.
We all do grief differently. Take your time and remember he is always right there in your comforting memories.
Leslie Bruce ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear this. =(
perfunctory ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh babe. I'm so sorry. What a horrible loss you & your family are shouldering right now. I'm thinking of you all.
Deleted user ⋅ October 23, 2014
I'm so sorry.
LeftisRight ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so sorry for your loss. HUGS
Jeanine ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so, so sorry for this loss. My heart is broken for you.
Deleted user ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and all of your family during this time. Hugs.
banker chick ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so, so sorry love. I hate that we have this in common. I know it sounds lame, but if you need to talk, I am here. Sending love and prayers your way.
QueSeraSera ⋅ October 23, 2014
very touching and loving entry about your dad. i am so sorry for your loss. dads are such amazing treasures in the world. i agree with one of your noters that he will be there with you always. keep your family close.
hugs
noooncy. ⋅ October 23, 2014
I'm so sorry for your loss.
.allison. ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh I was hoping against hope that this was not what your last entry was about. My heart to yours.
Andel ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh my god, I am heartbroken to read this. Much love to all of you right now.
santa monica ⋅ October 23, 2014
heartbreaking. i wish i had the words to express how sorry i am, but know that you have a support system in all of us here.
nowthat'salady ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so enormously sorry for your loss. I had a sinking feeling when I saw the title of your last entry. I'm sure that pain will continue to sneak up on you and hit you when you least expect it. I hope that with time, if not now, you are able to take a quiet solace in what a full and honorable life he led, how proud of you and the rest of his family he surely was, and that he went in peace. Hugs.
nightborn ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh my dear friend :( I am so so sorry. I am heartbroken for you. I wanted so badly for that not to be the reason for your previous entry... What a tremendous loss. Thinking of you and your family.
Adira ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so very sorry. (((hugs)))
Bella Jess ⋅ October 23, 2014
My deepest sympathy to you and your family
Jigger ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh, I'm absolutely shocked. This is terrible. Words are so inadequate, but oh, I am so sorry.
kmh. ⋅ October 23, 2014
So very sorry to hear this xx
Bluesea ⋅ October 23, 2014
Oh, no, no, no. I am so incredibly sorry. I'm getting all teary. It's a pain that never ever goes away. Take care of yourself.
Caty Shark ⋅ October 23, 2014
Surprised and saddened to read this. My heart is with you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Deleted user ⋅ October 23, 2014
Thinking of you. I'm so sorry.
dreamer71 ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so sorry.
It really is those little things that get you. That's the tough part, because they sneak up out of nowhere for so long. They still do, though not as often and it's not as fresh so it doesn't sting quite as much.
hugs
Mercurial Muse ⋅ October 23, 2014
Prayers to you and your family. I am sorry for your loss.
LittleBlackDress ⋅ October 23, 2014
So so sorry for your loss. Thoughts and love for you and your family.
cariad ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so sorry for your loss :(
Miso Honey ⋅ October 23, 2014
I am so sorry for your loss.
xo
hot-lips ⋅ October 24, 2014
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. My thoughts are with you and your family. Hugs. xxx
sarafina ⋅ October 24, 2014
I'm so very sorry. My heart is hurting for you.
kashka ⋅ October 24, 2014
I'm so deeply sorry. I dread the loss of my own father, so I can easily imagine you pain.
Truly.Madly.Deeply ⋅ October 24, 2014
I am so incredibly sorry for you loss. hugs.
echopod ⋅ October 24, 2014
I am so sorry.
Kate ⋅ October 24, 2014
Oh, Honey. I'm so sorry.
dickson. ⋅ October 24, 2014
<33 so sorry for your loss. xoxo.
Complicated Disaster ⋅ October 24, 2014
I'm so sorry honey. I can't begin to understand how you must feel. xxx
Velveteen ⋅ October 24, 2014
You're in my thoughts. That sounds so hollow, but I do mean it. I really do, and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Catlady ⋅ October 24, 2014
I'm so sorry hon.. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
rubix cube ⋅ October 25, 2014
I am so very sorry for your loss. This was a beautiful tribute, thank you for sharing it. I'm sending you strength, love and hugs. You're in my thoughts and heart. So sorry.
Manhattan ⋅ October 25, 2014
With love and gentle hugs to you Satine. He must have been extraordinarily proud of you and the woman his little girl had become. Xxx
pandora ⋅ October 25, 2014
Oh my god, I am so sorry. This is awful. My thoughts are with you and your family. Xo
Deleted user ⋅ October 25, 2014
I am very sorry for your loss, I list my Dad a few years ago and it is not an easy thing to deal with. Sending hugs <3
midnight radio ⋅ October 26, 2014
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. There really are no words. big hugs
At Last ⋅ October 26, 2014
I am so very sorry. Losing your father is huge. Thinking of you and hoping with time memories of your dad will make you smile and ease your pain. You are in my thoughts
Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2014
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you!
I remember reading what you wrote about your father that other time.
BlueEyedDevil ⋅ October 27, 2014
Oh, I am so so sorry for your loss. :(
Soliloquy ⋅ October 27, 2014
I am so sorry for your loss.
dancerd ⋅ November 01, 2014
I am so sorry, my deepest sympathies. What beautiful tribute stories.
Deleted user ⋅ November 03, 2014
I am so terribly sorry to hear this. There are no words. xo
nightborn ⋅ November 06, 2014
Was thinking about you today - hope you're hanging in there and doing ok.
aglow ⋅ November 06, 2014
I'm so sorry for your loss, sweetheart <3
Athena ⋅ November 12, 2014
oh, honey. i am so sorry for your loss. xx
missing maui ⋅ December 09, 2014
Oh my god. I hate that I missed this until almost 2 months later. Much much much love to you. I hope you are hanging in there.