cancer in The Daily (2014)

sorry for fucking off for a while. I’ve had a lot going on in my life that I am trying to sift through. Not going to write about all of it because I hate writing catch up posts.
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple weeks ago and I have been trying to deal with my feelings about it. I feel, primarily, intense fear. And then guilt, in part about that fear and because I know I have neglected my relationship with my mom for a while. I am not good at honouring and maintaining my relationships with the people in my life. I really love my mom but I forget about people a good chunk of the time. I am so wholly introverted I can go for weeks without seeing anyone and feel perfectly content and still feel as close to them as I am capable as feeling. Lately I have been wondering if this isn’t of itself a defense mechanism, but this isn’t the post for that.
I feel guilty because many of the things I am scared of are selfish. I don’t want to lose my mom. There are so many things I need her here for. I want her there when I get married, I want her there when I have my first child. I want her there to celebrate with me and advise me and support me, as she always has done. If she dies, she will leave a big mom shaped whole in my life and I am not sure how to deal with it. And I don’t know how I could handle seeing her suffer, if she gets sicker. I honestly feel so young and like a child still. I don’t feel like I have the tools to cope with this.
If course, I will never let her see this. I just want to be supportive. I want her to be healthy and to get there she needs cheerleaders.
I have more to write, I feel, but I have to go for now.