we both know your heart's not in it in furious, fragile, and free

  • Oct. 11, 2014, 11:57 p.m.
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I need to listen to “we are beautiful, we are doomed” by los campesinos! on repeat but the song also makes me want to throw things.

I’m so tired of being told I’m going to have other adventures, opportunities, people, happiness–WHATEVER besides Patrick.

Like, I know. Really, I do. I am not less of a person without Patrick. I am a complete person with complete ambitions, friendships, adventures with or without Patrick. So please stop thinking you are doing me a favor by reminding me that.


I saw a photo of Patrick and a girl dressed up on Facebook. Both were dressed up, Patrick in a vest and tie. In one photo, Patrick had his arm around her, gripped tightly. After a couple clicks, I saw multiple photos of Patrick and said girl, eating ice cream with the caption, “Dapper dinner date with Patrick!”

After a couple more clicks, I realized this girl–named Chynna with a “y” and two “n“‘s–worked at Petsmart in Temecula with Patrick.

Which begs the question: is he dating this Chynna with a y? Was he fucking her while he was fucking me?

By the time my roommates got home and I pulled up his profile to show them, the photos were taken down.

“We kill ourselves there’s future in the fucking, but there is no fucking future.”

Remember when I said I felt like he didn’t care about me at all and our relationship meant nothing? Apparently that was a gut feeling and apparently it was right.


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