Just Be Quiet in 2024

I honestly think I’m too awkward for this world.
I think that is why I have such a hard time “peopling”.
I am drawn to the oddities of life. The corners of the world less explored.
I don’t do this on purpose, I swear. I’m not looking for attention or trying to be unique. I just… I just get bored easily.
Wanna talk about baseball? Football? Meh, I’m not your person. That stuff doesn’t interest me at all.
Would I go to a baseball or football game with you? Hells yes! Maybe not for the sport but I love the energy. The smells, the peoples energy, the food.
However, if you would like to talk about hockey, rugby, or quidditch? I’m your person!
Why am I like this??
Like to shop in thrift stores? Me too!!! However (again), I will buy items and wonder about their history. Who wore this dress that called to me? Was it a happy occasion? Did they order soup if they wore it out to eat? What did they wear under it? Did anyone else get under that dress while they were wearing it?
Why can’t I just buy a second hand dress just because it’s pretty and looks good on me like a normal person?
No one else in my family is like this.
Well, that I know of.
Is it hereditary?
Why do I feel energies?
Why do I get “feelings” and “messages”??
But most of all, why can’t I talk about this to anyone without being looked at like I’m crazy?? Or get the pity head nod?
Talk to Jen? Nah, she doesn’t believe in this stuff and usually changes the subject.
Talk to Karma? I can but she doesn’t really get it either.
Talk to Dana? He listens and understands a bit more than anyone else but that’s just because his ex wife is “a witch”. He doesn’t really buy into the whole thing and just ends up giving me a hug and telling me he loves me. I can’t turn that down, though. Lol!!

What’s brought all this up?
I’m just tired of being looked at like I’m crazy.
I’ve always gotten “feelings” and “messages”. Gotten them my entire life.
No, I’m not a psychic. Never thought I was or claimed to be.
I just get signs. I’ll start seeing things that remind me of a person. Things that shouldn’t be where they are. This usually happens a few days before I either get a message or I see the person.
This used to happen all the time with my first husbands best friend. She was a bad person that floated in and out of our lives. It was to the point if someone just brought up her name or I thought about her, she would pop up. Didn’t matter where we were or what state we were in. She would knock on the door or call within a few days.

I had it with Manager. I would always wake up right before I got the 2am phone calls from her saying she was sick.

I’ve lived with it my entire life. It was just one of those things I thought everyone had.
Now, though, I’m over it. I’m tired of having the feelings, messages, smells, and telling people and they just don’t care. Yeah, you might not care or believe me, but I have to fucking live with it!
I have to live with the butterflies, puking, being scared, and having fucked up dreams. I have to live with it because you don’t believe me. If you would just let me tell you what I need to tell you or let me see what I need to see, all this shit would go away.
But nooooooooo. I’m Niki, I’m just the crazy girl that THINKS she’s a witch or a psychic.
I don’t think I’m anything other than tired of it.

What has me so wound up? Who else other than Kip.
I should have known the first week we were dating that he was a bad idea. Halfway through the first week, I couldn’t remember his name to save the life of me. It was the strangest thing. When I would try to say his name, it would get stuck in my throat and the only name that would come out was Ivy. It was like I was possessed or something. This happened for a couple weeks.
When I finally brought it up to him, his response was, “huh, that’s odd, the baby momma I’m fighting right now to see my son, her name is Ivy.”
I should have ended it then.
I knew. I almost did. It would have saved so much heartache.
Or someone knew and they were telling me.
Now look who he is with; baby momma Ivy.
Look who helped Izzy break us up; baby momma Ivy.
So, whatever.
Since working at Casey’s, I have had to put up with Izzy and Ivy coming in. The worst visit was a couple weeks ago when Izzy, Ivy, the spawn that should have been swallowed, and Kip came in.
I was doing fine until I heard the spawn call him daddy. I almost lost my shit right there.
I wonder if I would have gotten pregnant (I begged him for a baby) if Izzy would have allowed me to stay with him and get married?

Anywho!
A few days ago I started getting those good ol signs and messages again. This time it was all pointing to Kip.
Fuck!
I tried ignoring it. I wanted it all to just go away because there was no way in hell that I was calling him.
I checked my phone and I didn’t even have his number still saved in my phone. When I saw that, it was actually a relief. This way I knew I wouldn’t be able to contact him.
As the days went on, the butterflies in my stomach got worse and worse. All I could think about was him and it was driving me crazy!
Without his phone number there was no way of contacting him cause I sure in the hell wasn’t going to his house or job. Fuck that noise!
Then, because I have the super link to all the assholes in my life, his phone number came to me…..in a dream.
So I said screw it.
I texted him.
Yes, I knew better and I don’t know what I was expecting.

-Me: hey, can we talk?
-him: about?
-me: I just wanted to chat with you. Never knew I needed a reason to talk to you.
-him: we have nothing to talk about. We aren’t together anymore and I don’t have to explain my decisions to you or anyone else.
-me: ok, it has nothing to do with any of that but whatever.

See? He knows he’s fucked up. There is something going on with him besides the fact that he is 52 and dating / living with a 28 year old.

I let it sit over night and try once again the next day. I just lay it all out for him.
His response? I’m good.
Yeah, I believe that.

But that’s my point. Why do I have to have all these feelings and warnings when people just don’t give a flying fuck?

I’m over it.
Done with it.
I also don’t know how to make it stop.
Plus, why did it have to be him?
Let’s open up that can of pain again, huh universe?
Thaaaaanks.

Sigh. I wish I could talk to Dana about this. But I can’t. We have a rule; I don’t talk to him about Kip and he doesn’t talk to me about his ex wife.
Why? Because we both get really pissy. He hates Kip and I hate his ex wife.

Last updated February 19, 2024