I feel like I am yearning for a purpose. As soon as I start finding a routine, a little place in this world, its yanked out from under me. How am I ever supposed to find my niche? Not only is my immediate future uncertain, but forces outside myself seem to be affecting my future in such ways that it makes me feel that I no longer have the power over my life. Its slipping and there’s not a obvious foothold to gain.
So Dollar Tree terminated me over not being able to present a receipt for that drink. Although Kevin and basically every other employee at my store, including my regional manager, disagrees with the decision, HR said that it was company policy that I must be terminated. So once again I am jobless. Searching for anything, struggling with not being able to keep myself busy and drowning in budgeting and stress over money. But at the same time, struggling with somewhere that isn’t going to drain my soul and make me lose track of my own reality.
I feel like I lost myself for so long working at Fastlane and Dollar Tree. Day in, day out, dealing with the hopelessly lost creatures of society and being paid by the people that represent everything I stand for. But where else can I work? Most jobs available in this city are some version of retail (convenient stores, grocery stores, big box stores, retail shops, customer service reps). I mean, how utterly boring and soul-draining is that? I need somewhere where I can work with my hands, feel an actual connection to my work. Be a cog in the machine instead of some made up position that stands for nothing. What a sad world we live in. No one has a chance of doing what makes them happy anymore. We are all just slaves to the rich, begging for dimes and hoping to keep what little useless belongings we have.
I’ve been trying to make the necessary changes in my life to fulfill the life I want, not contributing to the cycle of meaningless consumption and ignorance. My first priority is my health. There needs to be some drastic changes. I’ve almost cut out all junk food, fast food, or processed. Every now and then, I fall back, but I’m always reminded of why I don’t want them in the first place. I’ve been attempting to make from scratch everything we eat, including things we use on a daily basis and slowly replacing foods that we waste too much money on (examples: frozen food for Clay’s lunches and everyday snacks). Plus trying to buy fresh and local every chance I get.
Not only have I drastically cut back on the junk I’ve been eating for such a long time, I’m eating way less now too and it makes me feel great. Recently, I’ve started paying more attention to my body and doing yoga and working out. I’m struggling with being regular about it, but slowly coming to love it. I just have to stick with it.
I yearn to be healthy, inside and out. I feel the urge to be able to know exactly what my body needs and to be able to exert the control over it that most people never experience. I need to break free from the overbearing ideals that have pushed onto kids in the past generations. Its so deeply imbedded in my brain that I have to struggle daily to remind myself of why I have these goals. I know one thing: when I have kids, I will never ignorantly or subconsciously push unwholesome ideals or ways of life on my kids. I want to show them the best life I possibly can.
My second priority is budgeting and spending our money in such a way that promotes support for the local community and doesn’t give money to the corporations who are killing our society and the earth and at the same time, being able to save enough money to be able to build the life that Clay and I dream of. Unfortunately, besides being a complete outcast, there really isn’t a easy and guaranteed way to do that. So we have to play the game. Save the money to buy land and go from there. Its going to be extremely difficult and it almost seems impossible, financially, but there is no other way that we can fulfill the life of our dreams.
I need to seize the opportunities before me. I seem to be scared of the possibilities. I become paralyzed in the face of the paths and chances available. I know what I am capable of. I know that when I set my mind on something, I can achieve that. But I know that to be successful in my endeavors, I must be prepared to make sacrifices along the way. And I can’t seem to decide what is most precious to me.
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