It's All Good, Sort Of in Never Say Never

I sold an essay about little Bogey, about how I wasn’t there to let him go, about how it surprised me to not be gutted by that betrayal, about how this is actually something that happens – people ushering out other people’s pets, for whatever reason.

In the whirlwind that was my life at the time, I didn’t grieve the loss like I should have, like I meant to. On Friday afternoon I am going to wade into those emotions, splash around in those feelings a bit, so that I can get the story written. It should be a proper tribute to my little friend.

On Friday morning I am teaching four back-to-back Pilates classes.

How’s all that for a proper day’s work?

Things with the BF were good over the weekend. Our pattern now is to spend Friday night through Monday morning together, and then have the occasional lunch or dinner or night out during the week. This works for me, gives me time to do the things I need to do in my life in order to mostly let everything go over the weekends. It’s very good for me to have some clear boundaries around the weekends after working basically seven days a week for nine years.

He admits that he doesn’t feel emotionally attached to me, but then again he’s not been emotionally attached to a romantic partner ever, beyond his high school sweetheart, whom he married. His childhood is one of extreme abandonment, the physical kind, and it’s easy to understand why he has this problem. Some of us know other people like this, and we do cut them so much slack. We show compassion and love them anyway. But it’s important for me to consider whether I want to sustain a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally attached. Not whether I can. We know that I can. But whether I would want to do that. Well, perhaps “consider” is not the right word. I think I meant to type “remember.” It’s important for me to remember that I don’t want to sustain a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally attached to me. That’s not the life I wish for myself.

I am in no rush to break this up, but rather explore with him if there is a threshold that he can reach in order to feel motivated to explore the things that have affected him, with the hope that he can live a more meaningful, loving life. I guess that’s the dealbreaker – if he has no interest in walking that path with me.