Another Step Forward? in The Common Room
- Sept. 23, 2014, 12:59 a.m.
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- Public
My oncologist has told me that I am in remission. That’s good news, of course, but I’m not sure of it being meaningful. The lymphoma was never much of an issue to me. It was the empyema (infection of the lung and thoracic cavity lining) that was killing me.
That infection is, according to the pulmonologist, now gone.
I’m sitting here wondering why I feel like the hind wheels of .. whatever.
Why do I not feel any better.?
“Well,” they say, ” you’ve been through a lot.” Yeah, You’re using the past tense and the feeling is current.
“When can I expect to feel better,” I ask.
“Well,” they say, “you’ve been through a lot.”
I drag myself up in the mornings, fighting down the desire to cry out in frustration at having to do so.
I crawl through the day,, struggling to get something done .. a little laundry, a meal cooked, a floor swept. Not all on the same day, you understand. Fighting the dizzyiness, the lack of balance, and the warped, foggy vision, I’m lucky tio get one thing done.
Then it’s night and I try to sit still enough to rest. No plans for the morrow, just the knowledge that another night must somehow pass.
Eventually I sleep– and wake.
Why?
Oh yes. I have been miraculously saved from death.
Many poeple worked very hard to get me to this point.
I’m supposed to be grateful.
Never do this to anyone you love , please. Never.
This has been sitting in draft for about three weeks. I have kept it so that I could laugh and throw it away.
It’s still very true.
Let me repeat.
Never do this to anyone you love , please. Never
Deleted user ⋅ September 23, 2014
Wow, I know exactly what you're going through. Some of the feelings, I mean. I never had lymphoma or the lung problems you speak of, but still, I've had problems as you very well know. So I can relate to much of how you feel. Feeling better doesn't almost mean we suddenly feel great.
patrisha ⋅ September 23, 2014
I have, as you know, had a few "I can't live like this" times but one thing I am noticing is that very very slowly, I AM getting better. Is there anything you can now do that you couldn't do say, a couple of months ago? The problem with recovery is that it takes such miniscule steps that sometimes, they are missed...
Eriu ⋅ September 23, 2014
It takes time, even when you think it's over. When I got really sick I thought I was healed, even last year, but then I improve and see how I wasn't quite healed yet. It's frustrating because it seems to take so long, but it takes as long as it takes. (((hugs)))
MageB ⋅ September 23, 2014
Yeah, you need to take this to all your docs and ask them what you do now. ...and how do you do it. Doing water aerobics seems to have helped me all around...what can I say. Life isn't any good if you feel like crap....make sure the doc's know how you feel.
Everything Good Rebecca ⋅ September 23, 2014
I"m sorry you didn't get to the blessed point of laughing and throwing it away, and yes, I feel honored that you shared these raw and real feelings as you did. It honestly sounds all-too-familiar because of the discouragement my hubby expresses to me whan we are finally alone each night. I'm sad about your sadness.
Deleted user ⋅ September 24, 2014
I'm really sad about your sadness. Any chance of speaking to your doctor about this? X
I'm an Okking Fool ⋅ September 25, 2014
::hugs:: My oncologist told me it can take up to a year to feel back to normal, which is insane but also understandable. I hope you'll find ways in which you feel more and more like yourself again, even if it may be an all too gradual process.