Several entries at once in QUOTIDIEN
- Sept. 22, 2014, 4:38 a.m.
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From my private journal:
September 15th (the day before one of our anniversaries):
For all my strength, and for all my pragmatism, there are moments like right this second, where the waves of sadness over-take me. Just when I start to believe that the worst is over, the ocean of life is quick to put me back in my place-in her cold embrace.
I can honestly say - this isn’t about my husband, who no longer knows suffering. What I’m experiencing is based in selfishness - all negative connotations aside.
It’s the loneliness. By nature, I am an extrovert. People are my fuel. My life-companion, my soul-mate is gone and I am left with this huge, gaping hole, and I’m leaking energy everywhere.
Beautiful words spoken by a loving friend were helpful and gave me hope that this loneliness is not forever etched in stone.
I am really trying hard to embrace my current situation, and enjoy those few luxuries I’ve noticed to be exclusive to singles....
And I’m going to throw in a but....
But, right now, I’m withering.
So, I’m heading to the gym tonight because…endorphins. Because I’m lonely, and because I could use the distraction.
September 16:
It was NOT a good night. I soon realized in the short hour I was at the gym, that I’d moved beyond sadness and into disappointment, and impatience at what I considered to be ‘weakness’. Angry and impatient are NOT good places to be when you’re working out.
I shortened my cardio - headed for the weight machines, almost doubled up on weights (working lower body), and increased by 1 set of 15. When I realized that I was punishing myself rather than working through the sadness - I stopped, hit the showers and headed home.
Through meditation this morning, I came to the rational conclusion that my strength is not defined by how few times I fall…but by the number of times I get back up, again.
I’M UP!
September 20:
Anne-Marie is in love. His name is AJ, he is an academic whiz and respectful. :)
Dropped them off at the mall yesterday, then headed to the gym. After Monday’s grueling punishment (because in the truest sense of the word, it was) - I took a 5 days off and settled for stretches at home.
On my first day back - 45 minutes cardio, HIIT for 15 of those....and the sauna for 10 minutes. The best part is that my body - my heart - responded quickly and appropriately to my demands. When I stopped pushing, my heart followed suit. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly a muscle can learn and regain health.
I walked away taking full breaths, shoulders and hips in line. My walk was easy and relaxed - and my skin felt electrified. It was euphoric. I could be tempted to say that my sense of well-being was entirely due to endorphins which I’m sure played their part, but the feeling persists this morning.
This picture was taken at the end of January ‘14:
This picture was taken hours after my last workout, yesterday:
Last updated September 22, 2014
GypsyWynd ⋅ September 22, 2014
You're looking good!!
ODSago ⋅ September 22, 2014
The difference in the two pictures is readily apparent. I'm 8 months into my being a widow and hear a lot of stories from others about that first year they lost a spouse, which is because I belong to group of about 500 members who meet weekly at the local university. It's factually a common loss but so different in each person's experience of the loss over time. I can see the gym is great for you, and of course we store our feelings, emotions, etc. in our bodies so working out should be great therapy.
middle age pearl ⋅ September 24, 2014
You are looking very fit and slimmer. Love your current hair style.
Yes, it is a rollar coaster and you prepare for the "expected" but are caught off guard by the unexpected which sometimes sets you back a bit, however, you regain ground and march forward. Hug yourself and let you know that you are doing a remarkable job cause you are!! God Bless
Deleted user ⋅ November 17, 2014
You look beautiful in both pictures but you are so thin now ! Don't lose anymore !