Bang (Now as It Was Meant to Be) in Never Say Never

I want to bang something out real quick. (That line first came out “I want to bang someone.” How’s that for a Freudian slip?)

I have been deeply worried about the severance ending. It goes without saying that getting my regular salary for the last five and a half months without working has been HEAVEN, and I am all for thinking about how we might better use our tax dollars to just give people money to live instead of making them work for it in the hopes that we will all just be more fun to be around. Because I know for dang sure that the minute I started worrying about money and working a somewhat half-full schedule I became bitchier, more tired, and just less “myself” – if you want to believe that “myself” is a relaxed, happy-go-lucky person who takes naps and smiles a lot while saying, “Yes, it does kick ass to get paid and not work. You should be jealous.” This change in attitude led to a sad fight with the BF, but we will get to that later.

Three things that I thought were going to tip in my favor and ease my mind about the work thing tipped the other way, which happens in the freelance world, but it made me feel anxious and like SHIT! Am I going to be able to get it together? But then yesterday something tipped seriously in my favor and I was like OK, then. I am going to be able to do this. I think.

There is a lot of teaching opportunity with Pilates, so that’s going to be nice, but it’s not going to be enough. Any one of the things I have lined up is, separate of the others, not going to be enough, but together it should be OK. And by enough, by OK, I mean HALF of what I was making at my old job. Am I kidding myself that I can get by on HALF? Shit. Probably. But I also feel like if I can’t get by on half then shame on me. Families of four get by on less than that in this country.

Anyway, something tipped in my favor. And then something else floated by me that could be a good thing long term – an introduction to someone who tends to have big, lucrative projects that he needs help with. So those were two things good that happened yesterday in the work world.

And that’s all I feel like banging out right now, kids. That’s mostly what has been on my mind.

I will just end with this: If you (I) are (am) in a relationship then you (I) need to find a way to talk about this stuff with the person you (I) are (am) in the relationship with or else you (I) are (am) going to have some kind of mysterious meltdown that threatens that relationship. And when you (I) say this relationship is something important, but in the heart of that meltdown you (I) threaten to walk out, it’s confusing to the other person – and not really the kind of irony that anyone can handle. So think about that, sister. And find a new way.

xx

Last updated September 18, 2014